Monday Sep 8, 2008 - Day 1

Weight: 269 Lost? Obviously, my mind! To go? 120 lbs. May God have mercy on my soul....


I am Fat. I've tried to pass as "fluffy", "Reubenesque", and even just "large". No no - those are lies. Big, giant whoppers. I am a fat, rotund, ginormous woman who has got to get in control - or risk needing my own zipcode.

I founded this site, same time last year. I started it, with all the high hopes and good intentions of a woman on a mission. While my mission to help cancer kids never waivered - my resolve did. I was in the middle of a self-discovery/self-awareness campaign...when our family computer upchucked and died. In truth, it wasn't a suicide, or death by aging. It was, in fact, a homicide - committed by a teenager and My Space. No matter the 'cide, the fact is, I was techno-less.

Being techno-less was depressing enough, but it just so happens this came at a time we were the poorest we've ever been in all of our years. We were in such a bad place, we had to visit a food pantry, get on food stamps, and even borrow money from family. It couldn't have been worse timing.

So, I'd already been in a precarious state with my food control, when I was suddenly thrown head-long into depression Hades. Oh yeah, the diet bit the big one. Hell00000! You don't get to be this size if you don't EAT when you're depressed....Duh.

As with most falls from any given recovery wagon, this one was hard and fast. I didn't just fall, I actually burned the wagon in effigy once I hit the pavement. I began eating like it was my job. I ate carbs like a crackhead smokes dope - needing more and more to satisfy the beast within. It wasn't pretty.

About the time I began to come down from my caloric high, we were slammed with another round of StressFest Avalon style. While tax returns and incentives bought us a new computer, Avalon worries and appointments kept me from even thinking about using it. Seriously, the new computer sat, in its box, for MONTHS before I could carve out time to install it. We'd attempted to have the old one repaired before we invested in a new one, but its never been much more than a Blackberry since its dark days at Best Buy. I can receive limited emails on it, and only visit a tiny fraction of any websites out there. It simply wasn't capable of re-opening mine and Avalon's sites, even if I'd had the heart to do them, which I didn't.

So there I was, trapped in techno wasteland and up to my eyeballs in monetary and medical stress... Hmmm....can you guess how I spent my free time? It darn sure wasn't at the gym.

No, no - I've spent our months apart eating. I've eaten, lazed around, eaten, watched TV, eaten, gained 3 sizes, and eaten some more. Good grief, even writing this makes me nautious...I can imagine what you're thinking. Better yet, I'd rather not.

I'm so disgusted by my current rolypoly self, I'll just leave you with the facts, and move on for the moment.

A: I've gained back all I'd lost, and doubled it. I had been down 12 pounds, I'm now 11 more than I was when I started last year. Barf.

B: As with all things, honesty is the best policy - I tipped the scales this morning at 269 pounds. Boo hoo - it is to cry.

C: I'm going to do my level best. I make no promises though. I've come to realize, I'm a weak minded twit. If at any time you feel like encouraging me - have at it! I apparently can use any and all help in the known universe.

D: I'll try to keep it interesting for you. Heaven knows, I usually don't have a problem finding things to talk about.

That's about it for now. As I start this ridiculous journey again - let's hope for the best!

Breakfast: 1 C honeydew melon = ? calories, 2 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer each - coffee = 180 cal

Lunch: 1 oz cheddar/montjack cheese = 100 cal, 3 oz turkey = ? cal, 1 diet coke, 1 tsp mayo = ? cal, slice tomato, leaf of lettuce

Dinner: 1/2 C pasta, 3/4 C chicken chunks with tomato hunks, 1 piece sourdough bread, water, 1 C of coffee with 2 TBS creamer (don't panic - I'm using up the creamer I already have this week, then switching to the powdered stuff - its nearly "free".

Went-to-bed-woke-up-coughing-midnight-snack-I-shouldn't-have-eaten: 2 oz chedd/montjack cheese, and crap, here's that honesty thing.....3 (yes, you read THREE) of those little kid long tube popsicles. You know the ones you get a zillion in a box for 3 dollars? Kind of like an ounce of koolaid in a long tube? I long since pitched the box - but I think they're 30 cal each. Who knows? I just know I'm totally regretting it! Argghhhh... Guess I found weakness #1, middle of the night eating.

Wish me luck!

Going Home!

You are all amazing! If we could harness your positive energy...we'd rule the world!

Spent two days in PICU - then on to 3 Tower. Pain wise, worse than last time. Poop-wise - yahoo! We outsmarted her system - got her pooping by Thursday night! She's not eating or drinking enough to keep a bird alive - but we all think we'll have better luck at home.

Sorry no updates - haven't had time to get to a computer. She hasn't been as mobile as last time.

More details, and tons of pictures later.

THANK YOU 1000 times 1000 for all the cards and letters. We have dozens upon dozens to open at home. She has only been awake enough for a few at a time while we've been in. (lots of morphine, lots of shutting down to avoid the world...) I'm going to try to come up with a way of thanking all of you. You made our hearts sing - and have given her much to look forward to as she's cooped up over the next few weeks. (again....) Its been a pretty boring summer for her - now she's actually excited about staying in!

BTW, I've been asked a lot if it was a good idea to have taken her horseback riding last week. The answer is...No! It probably wasn't. Ask me how much guilt I have about it... ;-)

Again, thank you for all the positive thoughts and prayers!! You are the reason we got her home so quickly!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE UP TO THE MOON AND BACK!
Avalon's Grateful Family - mom Alicia, dad Nick, big sisters Aurora and Ambrosia, and little brother Anam

Avalon is OUT of surgery!

Avalon's surgery went well. She's headed to PICU. I wrote a long post - and blog demons ate it. No time to redo.

Thanks for everything - I'll post more later - and hopefully you'll get to see it!!

HUGS!
Nick and Alicia - the ultra-proud, incredibly-lucky parents of 4 great kids: Aurora, Ambrosia, Anam, and the amazing warrior, AVALON

Avalon is OUT of surgery.

Avalon is OUT of surgery!!

Avalon is in recovery (PACU). Dr. Kosnik just left - he said everything went as well as it possibly could. He said she's off to PICU after recovery - then to the floor until we can drag some poop out of her. He actually teased about squeezing it out. Way, way different feeling here than that god-forsaken shunt surgery. And even way better than the R side temporal decompression. This time we knew the reason for PICU - so no panic attacks.

BTW, no matter how upset I am about the shunt surgery, there is something that bears repeating. This hospital is staffed with the most amazing, caring, loving people you could ever hope for! (OK, one glaring exception noted....)

Before surgery, we got to hug on a Surgery Center friend because she was training in the surgery unit. Then, one of our dear PCA friends hunted us up quickly in pre-op to smooch little miss. We entered the surgery waiting area to a giant hug from the desk clerk that we've known for years. Just now, an anesthesiologist friend came and hugged, after checking in on my little princess. My heart is full! There can never be too many hugs, or too much love in your life. ;-)

Quick note, I know this all sounds rosy, and today's operation did go well, but please understand, Avalon still has her issues. For example, yesterday during her sisters' dentist appointments, she absolutely could not place pieces in an 8 piece jigsaw puzzle. She spent the 45 minutes only using her L hand, never picking anything up with her right. (she's right dominant) She also couldn't put any pieces into one of those 3-D wood puzzles, she couldn't figure out how to turn them the right way. (she's 5!) She's falling asleep in the car, again, usually a sign of high pressure. So - basically, there is still a lot to work on. I feel like I need to say that sometimes, because we all forget how hard she works - when she makes it look so easy to those of us watching her.

Anyway, I don't want to be a computer bully - so I'd best get going. I just wanted to let you know, the operation went well, and we're off to the next step. But at least, mommy and daddy can take a deep breath - she's working on waking up. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sending her (and us) so many positive thoughts this week. I will take happy tears any day. (and there have been a lot of them!!) We appreciate each of you. May you find blessings in your world equal to what you've sent us....

HUGS and the highest of hopes.....
Alicia and Nick - the ultra-proud, ultra-lucky parents of 4 amazing kids....Aurora, Ambrosia, Anam, and the great warrior....AVALON.

Did you find it?

OK, this is my Crazy Cancer Mom blog. Long...long story. Feel free to read through the archives, we'll discuss that later.

For this week, I'll try to post updates about Avalon here. I can access this blog from anywhere, so its my best bet to be able to post stuff anyone can see.

She goes in at 10:30 this morning. Give me about 3 hours after that.

Thanks for all the prayers and positive vibes. I know she'll be safe thanks to all of you!

November 20, 2007

Weight: 246 Lost? 12 Left to go? 88

I am utterly sucking socks with my own "new posting system". I'm about to rent a dad-blasted billboard announcing my complete failure at organization and time management. Then there's the Macy's balloon I may purchase space on... I'm figuring that Snoopy's butt is the only thing big enough to do my food fetish justice.

OK, so maybe its not exactly a "fetish" by conventional standards. (I don't know...chocolate makes a convincing argument toward fetish. May have to consider it...) Maybe more of an obsession? Overwhelming, mind-numbing, calls-to-me obsession? Good grief! I'm starting to think I'm either the most weak-minded blob on the planet, or I'm truly a gonzo garbonzo. I'm having the worst time humanly possible surrendering food.

Don't start with me. I know I dont' have to surrender all food. I know I just need to give up the food that my body doesn't like/get along with. Problem is, my stupid endocrine and immune systems that object to peanuts/sugar/starches/blah blah blah ~ haven't bothered to clue in the taste buds. Wouldn't that just make life easier? Have my pancreas ring up my tongue, "Hello. Is this Mr. Lick A. Lot? Oh good. Listen, this is Ms. Lotsa Ins Ulin. It would really take the stress out of my life, if you could develop a taste aversion to sugar. I mean, I just can't tell you how great that would be. You will? Oh thanks! What a team player!! I'll be sure to recommend you for employee of the month. Bye."

Can you even imagine?! How conveniant would that be? I really don't think its too much to ask. Seriously, I've never done anything to my tongue. It should love me! OK, so there have been a few hot coffee incidents. But, I've never pierced the thing. And, even as a child, I religiously avoided mid-winter flag poles. Generally speaking, I've lived a pretty tongue-friendly life. I feel its perfectly reasonable to request it work with my other parts.

Then again, it probably already does. Cripes, by the size of my two-ton-Tessie-tuckus, I'm quite sure there is a full armada of fat cells that worship my tongue. No doubt there are tongue and "cheek" (ha ha! I crack me up!) temples in my tuckus, fully devoted to the celebration of my rebel tastebuds and their constant supply of new fat-cell family members. Hey....maybe that explains that one odd-shaped roll I have...

Get real. That roll looks more Tootsie-ish than temple-ish. Pickle juice. I really am just a weak-minded monkey. Stupid self awareness...

Keep on, keepin' on! Thanks for hanging in with this crazy lady!!

Alicia Hall, losing weight, and my mind, to raise awareness of pediatric cancer
http://www.crazycancermom.com/