Saturday, September 13, 2008

September 12, 2008 Day 5

Damn croutons. They're out to get me. Seriously, I think they sit in the pantry and plot my downfall.

It seems soooo simple. Don't eat croutons, have a wheat/yeast free day. Check and check. Except reality is closer to - don't eat croutons, have a wimpy, boring salad that threatens to derail the entire diet plan and road to thin and svelteness! OK, so 8 little pieces of crunchy wonderfulness (I'm telling you, these are real words) shouldn't have this much power over me. Seriously, I shouldn't have to eat them...but they scream my name. Then they offer to massage my tonsils. Heck, they even tell me they're good for me, saving me from bigger evils. Powerful, powerful little beasties they are.

You see, this is how it went down. I really wasn't hungry at breakfast. (a good sign I'm getting a handle on my yeasty/sugar/wheat issues) I settled for a cup of coffee and eventually an ounce of cheese. Not terribly gourmet - but at least it was something.

The morning was school, school, school - so I really didn't think much about food until the kids badgered me for lunch. Oh yeah, perhaps they (and I) need some sustenance. Alright. They got noodle/chicken left overs from last night, I made my onion/egg/tomato concoction with some leftover chicken tossed in. Pretty good slop, and relatively high on the healthy scale. Two down, one to go.

Finally, it was time to stuff our faces with dinner. The kids were grilled cheese and grapes. Me? OK, did the grilled cheese smell fantastic?! Oh yeah. Color me tormented. And I don't make just any old grilled cheese. This was gourmet whole grain wheat bread, brushed with butter, slowly browned, filled with American cheese, cheddar cheese, and monterey jack. Uh huh - I'm drooling at the mere thought of it now. Last night? Sheer torture it was. Enter the crouton army.

After "dinnering" the kids, I settled on a salad for me. I'd had this amazing Cobb salad at Damon's on Wednesday, so I thought I'd try to replicate it. OK, salad mix, 2 oz of herbed chicken, 2 TBS of bacon bits, 1/2 C cheese...things were looking pretty good. Then, they called to me...

"Aleeeeeesha....(croutons can't spell) Oh Aleeeeeeeeeshaaaaaa... You know your salad is softy and wussy. If you put us on there, you'll have a crunchy wonderland. No more'll get crunch. You know, we're not those grilled cheeses. We're little, we're harmless.....oh Aleeeeesha......"

Stupid croutons. Who made them so literate? Then again, who made me so weak?


Friday, September 12, 2008

September 11, 2008 Day 4

You know, I think its a tad depressing that I have to put the year up there in the title. I know it took me years to reach my current state of fatitude, but damn...does it have to take years to get rid of it? Its a smidge of a bummer.

I'm happy to report I'm not even a tiny bit depressed about my dieting today! I was fantastico! (its a word - go with it) I was going to report I'd had my first yeast-free day, but then I remembered the croutons I'd put on my dinner salad. Rats. I was so close. I want some serious dieting karma points for today, though. I think I opened the refridgerator and stared at the sourdough bread at least 7 or 8 times. Worse, I even had to take the whole grain gourmet wheat bread out of the 'fridge and make sandwiches for the kids. Arrrgghhhh.... Oh ho, it is to suffer....

If you're new to my rantings, or haven't read any of the archives - there's something you should know. I'm horribly, terribly allergic to yeast. I'm pretty stinkin' allergic to wheat too. If I can manage to fully purge them from my system, I feel like a million bucks. I'll have energy coming out my ears, my sinuses will be better, and I'll begin to lose weight faster than you lose socks in the dryer. Once I've been fully yeast-free for a while, even a mere half a bagel will give me hives and make me feel like I've got the flu. I found this out years ago, its not news to me. I've even managed to get to anti-yeast Nirvana a couple of times - hence how I know about the killer "relapse" effects. Here's the issue, even though I know I will feel better, I know what horrors yeast and wheat reap upon my pathetic body, I know what I can up bread and pasta sucks!

I mean, seriously folks, it blows goat chunks. No wheat/no yeast means no bread, pasta, pie, cake, cookies, or cereal. You might as well lick cardboard for dinner, its about all you're left with. So while I know all the bad stuff that happens when I fall off the anti-yeast wagon, the fact is, I also know that the acute reaction lessons over time - and I will eventually get back to real life, eating it without really "feeling" the side effects. You'd think my close-to-needing-wider-doorways butt would be a clue that the yeast/wheat thing really does take its toll, but no....I'm not that smart. Besides, when bagels talk to you in your dreams, its really hard to be reasonable the next day.

So here I go again, trying to fight my yeast demons. Expect lots of griping about this. The 4-6 weeks it takes to get rid of the screaming cravings are pure torture. After that, its more of a dull roar...

Breakfast/lunch (I made too much, and heated the rest up for lunch) 2 C coffee w/ 2 TBS creamer - total 180 cal, 2 eggs- -1.5 C onion-1 C tomatoes, 2 TBS bacon bits (=60 cal)-1/2 C shred ched cheese (200 cal)

snack - 1oz ched/mont jack cheese

Dinner salad-2 TBS bacon bits (=60 cal)-2 TBS vidalia onion dressing-1/4 C shred cheese-1 TBS sunflower seeds-croutons (7 or 8?)

Diet Coke

Not bad!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

September 10, 2008 Day 3

Hey - still dieting! Three days down, 3000 to go... No, that's not a bit depressing.

It was actually a pretty good day. Reasonable breakfast, healthy, huge, late lunch, so no real dinner. I could have chalked it up as perfect, if I'd A) managed to exercise and B) not eaten the German chocolate brownie....

I'm telling you, for a reasonably intelligent woman, I'm a weak-minded twit. I knew I'd done great on calories, and health-wise. I knew I would lose weight today, if I could just be good. I knew I didn't *have* to eat the brownie......but looked sooo gooood.....

Crap oh. I suppose I should be proud I only ate a little bit. A week ago, I would have eaten all that was left. I did not. A week ago, I would have chased the brownie with some other horror, because I would have said, "Hey, I've already screwed up. I might as well eat A, B,C, and D - I'll start again tomorrow." Ever thought those famous last words? I most certainly have! In fact, I've thought them past 200lbs, past 220, past 250... You get the idea.

So, you know what? I'm choosing to see today as a victory! I only at a small German chocolate brownie, and part of a cupcake. (Oh, did I forget to mention that?) I didn't eat all that I wanted. There has to be bonus points somewhere for that.

Now...if I could just fool myself into thinking chocolate was toxic... Man, that would really make this a lot easier. Yeah, chocolate is poisonous...and bread.....and caramel....and pasta.....and..........

Breakfast: 1 C coffee 2 TBS creamer (90 cal), 2 eggs-1C onions-1/2 C tomatoes-1/4 C shred ched cheese (100cal)

Lunch: Water, Cobb salad with: vineagrette dressing, grilled chicken, 1/2 hardboiled egg, 1 TBS bacon, 1/4 avacado

Dinner: 1 oz sunflower seeds (180 cal) , 1 C coffee with 2 TBs creamer (90 cal), 2" x 2" German chocolate brownie + 1/2 cupcake = three zillion calories

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

September 9, 2008 Day 2

Well now, I'd love to regale you with tales of my strict suffering and mind-numbing perfection - but we'll have to both settle for moderation. Sure, sure, I was the Queen of Control for most of the day, but then I got to go "out" tonight.

This brings me to an odd musing. Should dieters be allowed to go "out"? I mean, can we function in normal society without acting like a horse's patoot? How many times have you had a dieter to your home for whatever-the-reason, only to have them make a huge fuss over what they "can't" eat, or how "awful for them" your dinner is? Have you been in public with a dieter? They'll usually turn themselves inside out refusing some extravagance, all while making you feel like so much sludge for actually nibbling the accursed item. And Heaven help you if you notice/ask/pay-any-attention-to their "restraint". Its a sure bet you'll hear about their sacrifices, how successful they've been, and basically what a schleppo-de-Beppo you are for not following in their Food Saint footsteps. I'm telling you, there are valid arguments for dieters coming with warning labels.

So here I was, smack in the middle of dilemma. Should I go to my Mom's Night Out and be a giant equine rear-end by refusing to eat anything that wasn't good for me? Or, considering I knew the fair was "tailgate" food - subs and such - should I just stay home? I mean, unless you're Rachel Ray with a Donald Trump budget, "tailgate food" is not likely to be anything close to diet food, or heck, even healthy. I mused for a while this morning, and ended up deciding to go. Events, outings, Life aren't going to stop happening because I need to reduce the size of my caboose. That's how I got into this mess, thinking in absolutes. "I'll eat this Wendy's triple, because tomorrow I'll never eat Wendy's again..." There's no point to absolutes, they just don't lead to absolution.

So, off I went - seeking the company of other cancer moms, the joy of a few child-free hours, and the assurance that I can, indeed, carry on a conversation with someone over 13. Yes, I needed last night - even if I knew it might not be diet perfect. I left the house determined not to "pig out" and doubly determined not to be the dieter who makes all those around her want to stick a fork in their eye. Want to hear the really funny part? I was responsible for bringing dessert! Hah!

All told, my cupcakes and I didn't do too bad. I had two small sections of a sub, and I even removed a lot of the bread - it was soggy from transport time, and kind of icky. I had probably a 3/4 C serving of a bowtie/spinach pasta thing - which was crawl-inside-of-good. And I did try to get more spinach, less pasta - at least I tried to without becoming that picky patoot person I've described. I only had 2, count them 2 cheese puffs - because I wanted to try the whole-grain healthy puffs everyone was talking about. (They sucked. Not worth wasting my calories on.) I had 4 Tostitoes dippers and tsp or two of Mexican dip, and a Diet Coke. I'd say not to bad in DietWorld. That is, until dessert time......

Ha ha, it is to laugh! I didn't do too bad there either! Hee hee, fooled you. Yes, I had dessert. But, I had it in moderation. I had a 2in x 2in piece of German Chocolate Brownie, and a mini cupcake. I should have stopped at the Brownie, but the mini-cupcake intrigued me - I've never seen them so small! It couldn't have been an inch in diameter, it was rather fairy-cakeish. I tried one out of sheer curiosity, and won't need to again. It was just OK, nothing too magical and certainly not worth the zillion calories that were probably lurking in it. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained.

So, I survived going "public" and really didn't do too bad. I did, however, meet up with not one, but two Dieting Patoots. They regaled me with tales of their sacrifices, and I tried to keep my sub in my over-sized stomach. In all fairness though, as I thought, Good Grief, does she know how annoying that is? they were probably thinking, My Word, does she know how big her butt is?. Its fair. We're both blind in the ways we need to survive. Alls fair in love and fat.


Brunch: 2 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer each - 180 cal, 1 egg with 1/4 C shred ched cheese - 2 sausage links - 1 C onions- 1C tomatoes

3 C of water during the day

Dinner: what I described above

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Monday Sep 8, 2008 - Day 1

Weight: 269 Lost? Obviously, my mind! To go? 120 lbs. May God have mercy on my soul....

I am Fat. I've tried to pass as "fluffy", "Reubenesque", and even just "large". No no - those are lies. Big, giant whoppers. I am a fat, rotund, ginormous woman who has got to get in control - or risk needing my own zipcode.

I founded this site, same time last year. I started it, with all the high hopes and good intentions of a woman on a mission. While my mission to help cancer kids never waivered - my resolve did. I was in the middle of a self-discovery/self-awareness campaign...when our family computer upchucked and died. In truth, it wasn't a suicide, or death by aging. It was, in fact, a homicide - committed by a teenager and My Space. No matter the 'cide, the fact is, I was techno-less.

Being techno-less was depressing enough, but it just so happens this came at a time we were the poorest we've ever been in all of our years. We were in such a bad place, we had to visit a food pantry, get on food stamps, and even borrow money from family. It couldn't have been worse timing.

So, I'd already been in a precarious state with my food control, when I was suddenly thrown head-long into depression Hades. Oh yeah, the diet bit the big one. Hell00000! You don't get to be this size if you don't EAT when you're depressed....Duh.

As with most falls from any given recovery wagon, this one was hard and fast. I didn't just fall, I actually burned the wagon in effigy once I hit the pavement. I began eating like it was my job. I ate carbs like a crackhead smokes dope - needing more and more to satisfy the beast within. It wasn't pretty.

About the time I began to come down from my caloric high, we were slammed with another round of StressFest Avalon style. While tax returns and incentives bought us a new computer, Avalon worries and appointments kept me from even thinking about using it. Seriously, the new computer sat, in its box, for MONTHS before I could carve out time to install it. We'd attempted to have the old one repaired before we invested in a new one, but its never been much more than a Blackberry since its dark days at Best Buy. I can receive limited emails on it, and only visit a tiny fraction of any websites out there. It simply wasn't capable of re-opening mine and Avalon's sites, even if I'd had the heart to do them, which I didn't.

So there I was, trapped in techno wasteland and up to my eyeballs in monetary and medical stress... Hmmm....can you guess how I spent my free time? It darn sure wasn't at the gym.

No, no - I've spent our months apart eating. I've eaten, lazed around, eaten, watched TV, eaten, gained 3 sizes, and eaten some more. Good grief, even writing this makes me nautious...I can imagine what you're thinking. Better yet, I'd rather not.

I'm so disgusted by my current rolypoly self, I'll just leave you with the facts, and move on for the moment.

A: I've gained back all I'd lost, and doubled it. I had been down 12 pounds, I'm now 11 more than I was when I started last year. Barf.

B: As with all things, honesty is the best policy - I tipped the scales this morning at 269 pounds. Boo hoo - it is to cry.

C: I'm going to do my level best. I make no promises though. I've come to realize, I'm a weak minded twit. If at any time you feel like encouraging me - have at it! I apparently can use any and all help in the known universe.

D: I'll try to keep it interesting for you. Heaven knows, I usually don't have a problem finding things to talk about.

That's about it for now. As I start this ridiculous journey again - let's hope for the best!

Breakfast: 1 C honeydew melon = ? calories, 2 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer each - coffee = 180 cal

Lunch: 1 oz cheddar/montjack cheese = 100 cal, 3 oz turkey = ? cal, 1 diet coke, 1 tsp mayo = ? cal, slice tomato, leaf of lettuce

Dinner: 1/2 C pasta, 3/4 C chicken chunks with tomato hunks, 1 piece sourdough bread, water, 1 C of coffee with 2 TBS creamer (don't panic - I'm using up the creamer I already have this week, then switching to the powdered stuff - its nearly "free".

Went-to-bed-woke-up-coughing-midnight-snack-I-shouldn't-have-eaten: 2 oz chedd/montjack cheese, and crap, here's that honesty thing.....3 (yes, you read THREE) of those little kid long tube popsicles. You know the ones you get a zillion in a box for 3 dollars? Kind of like an ounce of koolaid in a long tube? I long since pitched the box - but I think they're 30 cal each. Who knows? I just know I'm totally regretting it! Argghhhh... Guess I found weakness #1, middle of the night eating.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Going Home!

You are all amazing! If we could harness your positive energy...we'd rule the world!

Spent two days in PICU - then on to 3 Tower. Pain wise, worse than last time. Poop-wise - yahoo! We outsmarted her system - got her pooping by Thursday night! She's not eating or drinking enough to keep a bird alive - but we all think we'll have better luck at home.

Sorry no updates - haven't had time to get to a computer. She hasn't been as mobile as last time.

More details, and tons of pictures later.

THANK YOU 1000 times 1000 for all the cards and letters. We have dozens upon dozens to open at home. She has only been awake enough for a few at a time while we've been in. (lots of morphine, lots of shutting down to avoid the world...) I'm going to try to come up with a way of thanking all of you. You made our hearts sing - and have given her much to look forward to as she's cooped up over the next few weeks. (again....) Its been a pretty boring summer for her - now she's actually excited about staying in!

BTW, I've been asked a lot if it was a good idea to have taken her horseback riding last week. The answer is...No! It probably wasn't. Ask me how much guilt I have about it... ;-)

Again, thank you for all the positive thoughts and prayers!! You are the reason we got her home so quickly!!!!!!!!!!!

Avalon's Grateful Family - mom Alicia, dad Nick, big sisters Aurora and Ambrosia, and little brother Anam

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Avalon is OUT of surgery!

Avalon's surgery went well. She's headed to PICU. I wrote a long post - and blog demons ate it. No time to redo.

Thanks for everything - I'll post more later - and hopefully you'll get to see it!!

Nick and Alicia - the ultra-proud, incredibly-lucky parents of 4 great kids: Aurora, Ambrosia, Anam, and the amazing warrior, AVALON

Avalon is OUT of surgery.

Avalon is OUT of surgery!!

Avalon is in recovery (PACU). Dr. Kosnik just left - he said everything went as well as it possibly could. He said she's off to PICU after recovery - then to the floor until we can drag some poop out of her. He actually teased about squeezing it out. Way, way different feeling here than that god-forsaken shunt surgery. And even way better than the R side temporal decompression. This time we knew the reason for PICU - so no panic attacks.

BTW, no matter how upset I am about the shunt surgery, there is something that bears repeating. This hospital is staffed with the most amazing, caring, loving people you could ever hope for! (OK, one glaring exception noted....)

Before surgery, we got to hug on a Surgery Center friend because she was training in the surgery unit. Then, one of our dear PCA friends hunted us up quickly in pre-op to smooch little miss. We entered the surgery waiting area to a giant hug from the desk clerk that we've known for years. Just now, an anesthesiologist friend came and hugged, after checking in on my little princess. My heart is full! There can never be too many hugs, or too much love in your life. ;-)

Quick note, I know this all sounds rosy, and today's operation did go well, but please understand, Avalon still has her issues. For example, yesterday during her sisters' dentist appointments, she absolutely could not place pieces in an 8 piece jigsaw puzzle. She spent the 45 minutes only using her L hand, never picking anything up with her right. (she's right dominant) She also couldn't put any pieces into one of those 3-D wood puzzles, she couldn't figure out how to turn them the right way. (she's 5!) She's falling asleep in the car, again, usually a sign of high pressure. So - basically, there is still a lot to work on. I feel like I need to say that sometimes, because we all forget how hard she works - when she makes it look so easy to those of us watching her.

Anyway, I don't want to be a computer bully - so I'd best get going. I just wanted to let you know, the operation went well, and we're off to the next step. But at least, mommy and daddy can take a deep breath - she's working on waking up. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sending her (and us) so many positive thoughts this week. I will take happy tears any day. (and there have been a lot of them!!) We appreciate each of you. May you find blessings in your world equal to what you've sent us....

HUGS and the highest of hopes.....
Alicia and Nick - the ultra-proud, ultra-lucky parents of 4 amazing kids....Aurora, Ambrosia, Anam, and the great warrior....AVALON.

Did you find it?

OK, this is my Crazy Cancer Mom blog. Long...long story. Feel free to read through the archives, we'll discuss that later.

For this week, I'll try to post updates about Avalon here. I can access this blog from anywhere, so its my best bet to be able to post stuff anyone can see.

She goes in at 10:30 this morning. Give me about 3 hours after that.

Thanks for all the prayers and positive vibes. I know she'll be safe thanks to all of you!