I have sooo much to blog about, zero heart to do it. But, I swore to be 100% transparent and honest on this journey, so here it is. Today, on my first "official" weigh-in, I've gained 1.5 pounds.
Start: 276.5 Today 278
I fully admit I've actually been weighing myself every few days. By day 4, I was down 4 pounds. I truly thought I would be down a full 5 pounds by today. Then, I went grocery shopping over the weekend. Did I buy sugar? No. Absolutely NO desserts, NOTHING that would normally be considered 'unhealthy'. NO sugar cereal, NO potato chips/pretzels/crap food.
However, I did buy Kashi cereals for fiber, and tortilla chips to eat salsa/hummus with. Apparantly, I...can't....do...that. I counted/weighed/measured/accounted for every last bite. I kept my calories under 1600 most days, 1800 on the worst day. BUT...my body reacts terribly to corn/wheat/potatoes/etc. Two days of tortilla chips (even in moderation of 7 chips per serving) and homemade stew last night were enough to sink my battleship. In three days I gained back the 4 lbs + 1.5 more. Damn.
Before you all think I'm crazy, let me assure you, this has happened before. Years ago, I begged my then-family-doctor for help. I kept detailed food and exercise journals, and took them to her, looking for answers. She sent me to an endocrinologist, who said my body needed to be shocked into starvation. He put me on a 600 cal/day diet - and prescribed x amount of exercise. In less than a week, I gained NINE POUNDS! It was AWFUL. I took my log to all doctors involved, and they told me I was lying, I'd been cheating. I hadn't, I didn't, I was crushed...
Much later, I switched family docs and the new doc suggested I have an estrogen-loading issue. The easiest way to sum it up, is that my body has a tendency to hang on to yeast - which raises estrogen levels - which then dorks up the whole thyroid/metabolism thing. To deal with it, there is a strict yeast cleansing diet. When I follow the diet to the letter, I've lost up to 40 pounds in a month. But it is very, VERY difficult to follow.
Guess what? It's time to find it again. I'll be starting it beginning with lunch today. Oh, and I got clearance from the cardiologist yesterday that I can start exercising. (that's a long story - and was actually pretty funny yesterday...but I'm NOT feeling remotely humorous at the moment...) Hopefully, week #2 will be better.
I'm NOT giving up! I'm NOT going to 'fake it', fudge to you, or whitewash any of this. Cancer kids don't have that as an option, so neither do I. We parents of CKs (cancer kids) hear awful, devastating news all the time. In fact, for lots of us, that news leads to a greater amount of bulge to battle with. I suppose I shouldn't have thought for even one second that this would be an easy battle to take on. NOTHING about Childhood Cancer is easy...why should my awareness campaign be?
Is the yeast diet tasty, fun, or resort-ish? NO - it sucks. But...then again, so does having cancer when you're supposed to be playing Tee-ball or Barbies. Folks, if you think I'm suffering...you should meet some kids I know.
I'm sad today, really, REALLY sad....but this time, I'll get over it - and I'll move on. I will NOT lose faith or momentum. I will continue to humiliate myself if it means 'my' kids have even one tiny chance of being heard. I WILL lose this weight, and fight my way into the public eye somehow. I WILL make sure the American Public LEARNS about kids with cancer. I HAVE to. I've seen too many kids suffer.
But today, I'm sad. I'm kind of defeated. And oh yeah...I'm another year older.
Happy Frickin' Birthday to me.