Sunday, January 23, 2011

Day 1

Holy friggin' many times have I written "Day 1" on this stupid blog? Well - pffthhttt to you blubber butt - I'm writing it again. Only this time, it actually doesn't have a whoppin' boatload to do with losing weight. I'm on a quest - and the over-sized back of my front is just going to have to come along with me.

Quick update - because if you really care, you can always pop over to Avalon's website to read the details. I last left you in Sept of 2010. Desperate to once again start an awareness campaign to drag people kicking and screaming into the world of knowing about cancer kids...I restarted my infamous 'Crazy Cancer Mom Fat-a-Thon'. As with many aspects of my life, I fully embrace the saying, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Actually, I think I've repaved the damn street so many times, it nearly leads to Heaven now. At least...that's what I tell myself.

Anywhooo...back in September I began starving again. Of course it didn't go well, it never does. My body hates me, I hate it, it's all rather circular in nature. It's no wonder I've become progressively simpler in my old age. I spend so much time running in circles, I'm beginning to approximate the intelligence of dog. And not a real dog either, I'm getting close to one of those celebrity drop-kick-me-things that can't even walk it's so inbred..

Ack, off topic again. Big shock.

Soooo, back in September me, my good intentions and I began yet another diet. We UNbegan that diet nearly immediately after we started it. Why? Because against all reason and logic, I found myself pregnant! We were as shocked as we were THRILLED. The entire event became a huge state secret between myself and Nick - for reasons too many to enumerate here. We had a wonderful few weeks of being blissful, then our first setback happened, an implantation bleed. The bleed forced us to break the news to the kids before we'd planned. We had to tell them, we thought they might want to know why Mommy wasn't supposed to move off the couch for 3 weeks... The bleed healed, and all progressed normally, with the grand exception of me fighting off a few rounds of bronchitis and sinus infections. Bleck.

The holidays came and went, and we outed our big news to the world. We all basked in the sunshine of a new life, and made as many plans for our newly expanded family as we had arguments over who would get the most hug time. No baby was ever wanted more.

Sadly though, wanting is not the same as getting. On Dec 30, during a pre-amniocentesis ultrasound, we learned our miracle was over. We'd lost our son. Right then and there I heard my heart shatter...but that was only the beginning. Dec 31st I had a D & E surgery to clear the uterus - but there were complications. Several days later I delivered my son in an ambulance on the way to our local ER... I told you there were complications. And finally, a week after that nightmare, I had a second D & E surgery. In a nutshell, the past several weeks have SUCKED.

So what-in-the-Sam-hill am I doing coming here to the place I'm usually rather witty and a tad cheerful? I'm getting to that! Keep your pants on. (unless you don't want to, in which case I'll be quiet - I'm on a quest to be a more accepting person...) Yesterday I received a care package from an online friend. One of the things in the care package has sent me on a personal quest to find a 'new' me and a 'new' direction. After the Hades I've been spiraling through the past several weeks, the new direction thing has got to be pretty easier. It's not hard to go anywhere other than straight down. Left, upper left, right, straight up...I'll take anything.

My package contained something called "A Box of 101 Blessings for My Friend". Pretty cool, huh? At first I fully intended to rip into the box and read every darned blessing. It's important to note here, I have the patience of a gnat. I nearly always read the last page of a book before I finish the first chapter. I have always read the 'spoiler' pages about Harry Potter books and movies the day the were released (unless I could find bootleg pages even before the release!) and I have to fight multiple world wars with myself not to give people presents long before the holidays I purchased them for. Patience...of...a....gnat.

The thing is, the first card in the box stopped me in my tracks. It welcomed me to my new little world by saying, "Especially for you…a bouquet of 101 blessings to fill your heart with the fragrance of love and friendship." A bouquet of blessings? Just for me? I couldn't possibly sully that... Hmmm...maybe I could just look at one...

So, I turned the first card over and found Day One: “A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.” That's it, that's all it took. I was hooked.

For years I've come here, or to one of Avalon's websites to pour my heart out to you, strangers whom I consider my dear friends. I've begged for mental support, thanked you for prayers, and when at all possible, tried to make you laugh or leave you with a thought to ponder as you trudge through your daily life. I've been rattling your brains with my 'nothings' for years now...and yet, you've remained my 'friends'. This time, it didn't take a full-on Godsmack to get my attention. I sat up and paid attention at the loud whisper instead. (good thing too, I'm still bruised from the last smackdown..)

The plan I hatched late last night was a quest. A 101 day journey to self awareness, self acceptance, and love. Each day I will read a new card, ponder on it - and write as much as I can about how I see it, and how it affected me that day. In a perfect world, I'll write on Avalon's website in the morning, and this one at night. We'll see if I can figure out how to stick to that. (believe it or not, my random thoughts take more than a bit of mental gymnastics!) The point is, I want to be serious sometimes, and stupid silly others. I think Avalon's site is OK for family/friend/coping stuff - but my whole I'm-going-to-change-my-existence mountain is best left here, where I can swear more.

I AM serious though. I want to be a different person at the end of the 101 days. No...I will NOT adopt a dalmation each day, although as a rabid Disney enthusiast I would be lying if I said the thought had never crossed my mind... And NO...I don't envision that I could possibly lose a pound each of the coming 100 days, turning me into a svelte svengali with perfect hooters. (although dang it..that would be cool!) What I'm looking for are new attitudes, new outlooks, a new shot-in-the-butt to my self esteem and self awareness. And heads up, I'm aiming to do that for ALL of us. That's right. You're not just going to sit there and judge're going to get off of your mental cabooses and join me! We're in this together, my friends. Like it or not. ;-D

Did I have any great personal epiphanies today? I did eat a healthy, calorie conscious breakfast and lunch though. Heck, I even did pretty well at dinner. Buu~uut....I'm nearly sure my Bailey's and Creme nightcap just tanked my 'healthy eating' for the day. Yeah, yeah...what-ever... Rome wasn't built in a day either. So there.

Oh, and I lost my cool, my temper, and my resolve with my short people tonight too. I didn't Velcro anyone to a wall, so I didn't lose it too bad. And cripes, just how many times can you say, "Don't throw that, don't say that, don't touch that" before your tongue revolts and marches across the room to smack your progeny? I mean, geez, I'm only human...

Crap. I think I just tanked my good intentions for the day. Rats. Ahh well, yet another layer added to Hade's Highway. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...

I'll see you later on FB, Avalon's caringbridge, or here...pick your poison.



Anonymous said...


Sheri said...

You crack me up.......i love reading your blogs and Avalon's caringbridge.....we keep her in our prayers daily, along with the other many caringbridge sites i follow.....keep up your sense of can be rough - everyone needs a great laugh! Thanks!!