OK, so you want to laugh? Fine, fine...I know my place in the world. Suffer humiliation for the greater good.
Well, before hell broke loose and our world was rotated backward...I had been having a good diet week. Saturday was our son's 1st birthday! Short man turned a whopping one year old. Wahoo! Bonus - I finally broke - 15 pounds. Double wahoo! My mother ever-so-lovingly lied her pantaloons off - and told me she could see a difference in my mid-section. Crazy old woman - but I love her for fudging. Truth is, I still can't fasten my "fat pants", and its royally burning my buns.
As I said, that -15 was before the apocalyptic weekend of torment. Saturday pre-party, I was great - didn't have time to eat. During the party, no problem. I only ate a salad (no spaghetti) and a few small pieces of french bread. Not perfect - but not nearly as horrible as I would have liked. Sat evening - diet was still in tact, I was at the hospital, no decadent food available.
Sunday dawned OK (except for the total lack of sleep...), there wasn't any food to be had. My sister (the bad-hair babe) had gone to the ER with Avalon and I, and spent the night on the spa-rific pull-out hospital torture device next to Avalon's bed. As starvation and caffeine-deprivation threatened to paralyze she and I, she offered to go forth and hunt and gather some rations. Of course, we would pick the one hour a day that the cafeteria is closed! Being resourceful, super-aunt/sister managed to scavenge things from a refridgerator unit to ensure our survival. She choked down a turkey sandwich wanna-be, and found a wonderful chef salad for me. (and coffee...a big, beautiful cup of coffee!) Again, not such bad fare for a dieter.
As Sunday wore on, I wore down. By the time hubby and I had our "changing of the guard", my resolve, my heart, my everything was completely trampled/shot/totally stick-a-fork-in-me done. I came home, put the kids in bed, and ate like it was my job. As I told a friend on Monday, I didn't fall off the diet wagon, I held my nose and jumped head-first into the deep end. Ask me if I care.
Did I know I was eating out of frustration? Fear? Anger? No sh#@ Sherlock! It certainly wasn't for the pure enjoyment of the food! I don't even like cake. Luckily, we'd had a birthday swaree...so I had a ready supply of super-sweet goo to stick my emotions to the moon. I ate, I rested, I ate some more, I fretted, I ate...you get the picture. What you may not get...is the fact that I really don't care! I don't mind one little tiny bit if I gained back 5 pounds. I had to survive that night, and my old friend - sugary, starchy, carb-o-rific pile of calories got me through. Oh well.
I'm sure the thin among you, or some shrink, or the registered dietician divas of the world would have a list of alternative emotional boosts ready and waiting for me. When I'm more highly evolved - I might consider some of them. For now, I'm still new at this Healthy Living game, and I still embrace the notion of "comfort foods". Am I comfortable with the size of my pants? Nope. But I'm not terribly comfy with my daughter's medical life either. Apparantly, one will have to take a little longer to shrink - while I learn to cope with the other.
Another stinking lesson learned. The universe will not bend to my will and leave my family alone long enough for me to become a super-model. How dare it?! I mean, seriously, if Publisher's Clearinghouse would knock on my door, the Fairy of Perfect Health would sprinkle dust over my kids, and everyone who drives while talking on a cell-phone would suddenly lose their car keys...I'd be a size 6 in a month. No stress = no pigging out. Seems simple enough.
Until such time as I can alter the laws of physics and reality, I suppose I'm stuck with stress. Guess I'd better get a bit more adept at dealing with it. It appears, the stars are rather fond of tossing it our direction.
Maybe I can burn a calorie or two if I can learn to lob it back...
Alicia Hall - losing weight, and my mind, raising awareness of Childhood Cancer http://www.crazycancermom.com/
You're always welcome here! Thanks for joining me!
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3 comments:
Alicia, so you fell head first off the diet wagon? So what? You've shown you can climb back on when you're ready! And you've been under more real stress this weekend than most people experience in a lifetime! Big hugs to beautiful Avalon - I'm so glad that she's OK!
By the way, if you find a way to make the car keys of the cell-phone-while-driving populace disappear, I will personally have you nominated for sainthood!
I will never be evolved enough to loose my faith in comfort foods - there is salvation in chocolate and I won't be told otherwise. ;)
Again I say to you, cut yourself a break. It's easy to loose weight in the Hollywood glass bubble, with trainers and chefs and a lack of stress. Here in the real world, it just doesn't go down so easy. You will rise again and take on the calorie fight. I think recognizing your limitations, and being self-aware enough to meet your needs during a stressful period, is a victory. Not necessarily against the battle of the bulge...but we are defined by more than our pants-size. Hang in there, I'm proud of you.
Hi Alicia -
Love your analogy, here - I need to remember this! While I don't have all the medical info to remember like you do, raising four boys seemed to have upped the ante on what stays and goes in the ol' noggin.
I do have a story to tell, that I think you'll enjoy since you know me and my basic background. This I assure you is all true, and I sent out this rendition of it in my blog and an email to a few people. I titled the the email, "I'm so going to write that book...":
"...about life raising four boys.
Evening:
Dinner has to be on the table early on Monday nights because hubby has band practice (plays in a local community band). Has to leave house by 6:20.
Son 2 has basketball practice in the same general vicinity at 7:30 - decided to take him tonight to figure out where everything is to see if we can't coordinate something with hubby's band.
Pouring buckets (of rain) when son 2 and I leave for practice. I've left son 1 in charge of sons 3 and 4. All have had showers before I left.
Get to school by 7:20 - go in wrong building. I know this because I asked a girl coming out of the building. Sent to building across parking lot. Took four tries to find an open door. In the pouring rain. Found my hubby's band practice, but no basketball. Found a janitor who informed me that the gym is in a building across the campus. And no, it's not a connected building. So, we are back out in the pouring rain again of which it took me three tries to find an open door this time.
Found the gym. As I was going in the door and putting down my (sopping) umbrella, I pinched my finger so hard it bleeds. A Lot. So, I'm now sucking on my finger to try to get the bleeding to stop, because I have no kleenex in my purse. One of the ladies that has a son on Matt's team took me back to my car (in her car), since, frankly, I had no knittin' clue where it was. Found car. Went to big shopping mall (outdoor shopping mall, no less) that is right across the street to go to Panera to you know, sit and maybe write or surf the 'net. Ordered a decadent piece of chocolate/caramel pecan sin... er I mean brownie and a chai latte. As I'm sitting down, my cell phone rings:
Me: Hello.
Son 1: Mom?
Mom: Yes, J?
Son 1: N (son 3) swallowed a quarter, but I did the Heimlich maneuver and saved his life.
Mom: what? (I couldn't hear very well at that point, as they were finishing up making the chai)
Son 1: N swallowed a quarter, but I did the Heimlich on him and saved his life.
Mom: WHAT?!?
Son 1: N swallowed a quarter by I did the Heimlich on him and saved his life.
Mom: (at this point, I am totally, 100% completely speechless)
Son 1: Hello? Mom?
Mom: You have got to be kidding me.
Son 1: No, Mom, N really swallowed a quarter and I saved him. He's fine.
Mom: Let me talk to N.
I proceeded to talk with N, who's crying, but apparently is fine. I'm too far to come right home to assess the situation, so I call my trusty mom and brother. My brother went over to look in on them and give me the true skinny on the situation.
The quarter has evidently gone on down. I will have to take him to the ER when I get home to get him Xrayed to see exactly where it is. He's breathing fine, and talking, so it's not currently "life-threatening". My brother is staying there until I get home.
Why am I so calm now that I know what's happened? Son 1 did the EXACT SAME THING six years ago when I was pregnant with Ben. Been there. Done that. Got the darn t-shirt.
I've texted the hubby at band, but more than likely he won't get the message until band is over. At 9.
It's going to be a late night.
But I'm so writing that book. No one will believe my life with my boys.
Remind me to tell you all about the ceiling fan fiasco sometime.
***
This happened on Monday evening - I wrote this up while at Panera waiting for the basketball practice to be over - I did take N to the ER and he's fine - the quarter is in the stomach and will pass. Maybe has two dimes and a nickle ;)
The ER was a mess - construction and crowded at 10 PM. But we got in and out in 2 hours (which, considering your stories and Chris's I consider that a walk in the park).
Oh, and why he swallowed a quarter? He was practicing his "coin tossing" abilities, and apparently was looking up watching it flip, with his mouth open, when the quarter fell into his mouth and down.
I am writing that book.
I hope you at least giggled at this nutso story from my life.
*hugs*
Susan
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