Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Monday Sep 8, 2008 - Day 1

Weight: 269 Lost? Obviously, my mind! To go? 120 lbs. May God have mercy on my soul....


I am Fat. I've tried to pass as "fluffy", "Reubenesque", and even just "large". No no - those are lies. Big, giant whoppers. I am a fat, rotund, ginormous woman who has got to get in control - or risk needing my own zipcode.

I founded this site, same time last year. I started it, with all the high hopes and good intentions of a woman on a mission. While my mission to help cancer kids never waivered - my resolve did. I was in the middle of a self-discovery/self-awareness campaign...when our family computer upchucked and died. In truth, it wasn't a suicide, or death by aging. It was, in fact, a homicide - committed by a teenager and My Space. No matter the 'cide, the fact is, I was techno-less.

Being techno-less was depressing enough, but it just so happens this came at a time we were the poorest we've ever been in all of our years. We were in such a bad place, we had to visit a food pantry, get on food stamps, and even borrow money from family. It couldn't have been worse timing.

So, I'd already been in a precarious state with my food control, when I was suddenly thrown head-long into depression Hades. Oh yeah, the diet bit the big one. Hell00000! You don't get to be this size if you don't EAT when you're depressed....Duh.

As with most falls from any given recovery wagon, this one was hard and fast. I didn't just fall, I actually burned the wagon in effigy once I hit the pavement. I began eating like it was my job. I ate carbs like a crackhead smokes dope - needing more and more to satisfy the beast within. It wasn't pretty.

About the time I began to come down from my caloric high, we were slammed with another round of StressFest Avalon style. While tax returns and incentives bought us a new computer, Avalon worries and appointments kept me from even thinking about using it. Seriously, the new computer sat, in its box, for MONTHS before I could carve out time to install it. We'd attempted to have the old one repaired before we invested in a new one, but its never been much more than a Blackberry since its dark days at Best Buy. I can receive limited emails on it, and only visit a tiny fraction of any websites out there. It simply wasn't capable of re-opening mine and Avalon's sites, even if I'd had the heart to do them, which I didn't.

So there I was, trapped in techno wasteland and up to my eyeballs in monetary and medical stress... Hmmm....can you guess how I spent my free time? It darn sure wasn't at the gym.

No, no - I've spent our months apart eating. I've eaten, lazed around, eaten, watched TV, eaten, gained 3 sizes, and eaten some more. Good grief, even writing this makes me nautious...I can imagine what you're thinking. Better yet, I'd rather not.

I'm so disgusted by my current rolypoly self, I'll just leave you with the facts, and move on for the moment.

A: I've gained back all I'd lost, and doubled it. I had been down 12 pounds, I'm now 11 more than I was when I started last year. Barf.

B: As with all things, honesty is the best policy - I tipped the scales this morning at 269 pounds. Boo hoo - it is to cry.

C: I'm going to do my level best. I make no promises though. I've come to realize, I'm a weak minded twit. If at any time you feel like encouraging me - have at it! I apparently can use any and all help in the known universe.

D: I'll try to keep it interesting for you. Heaven knows, I usually don't have a problem finding things to talk about.

That's about it for now. As I start this ridiculous journey again - let's hope for the best!

Breakfast: 1 C honeydew melon = ? calories, 2 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer each - coffee = 180 cal

Lunch: 1 oz cheddar/montjack cheese = 100 cal, 3 oz turkey = ? cal, 1 diet coke, 1 tsp mayo = ? cal, slice tomato, leaf of lettuce

Dinner: 1/2 C pasta, 3/4 C chicken chunks with tomato hunks, 1 piece sourdough bread, water, 1 C of coffee with 2 TBS creamer (don't panic - I'm using up the creamer I already have this week, then switching to the powdered stuff - its nearly "free".

Went-to-bed-woke-up-coughing-midnight-snack-I-shouldn't-have-eaten: 2 oz chedd/montjack cheese, and crap, here's that honesty thing.....3 (yes, you read THREE) of those little kid long tube popsicles. You know the ones you get a zillion in a box for 3 dollars? Kind of like an ounce of koolaid in a long tube? I long since pitched the box - but I think they're 30 cal each. Who knows? I just know I'm totally regretting it! Argghhhh... Guess I found weakness #1, middle of the night eating.

Wish me luck!

No comments: