Monday, October 22, 2007

October 22, 2007

I'm going to "plagiarize" myself tonight. I belong to an on-line support group for children with A.L.L. (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). Earlier this week, a mom posted about her recent bouts of forgetfulness. Below was my answer to her. Bear with me...

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I think forgetting things is totally normal! I have a theory. I developed it during Avalon's heaviest tx, when I realized I was forgetting stupid things on a daily basis. Of course, there's no science to my theory...but I love the "picture" it gives me.

Here's what I postulate:

There is only so much room in our brains. Sometimes, the brain has to decide to "dump" info - in order to make room for the non-negotiable stuff. Our baby's first smile, our wedding day, the last time we hugged a friend...those are non-negotiables. They have permanent real estate in our minds.

"Negotiables" are things like grocery lists, to-do lists, chores, meetings. Normally, we can juggle the negotiables pretty well. We have a large allotment of space and energy for them.

When cancer "came home", there was a fundamental shift in the percentage of my brain that was given to the two categories . Suddenly, things I may not have paid much attention to before, like how my child's hair smells, how sunlight makes her dance...became non-negotiable. I began to hang on to details of my children like I never had before. Then, I created an entirely new category..."super-stuck"...the things that I needed to cling to, to keep my child with me. "Super stuck" holds the medical info that is vital to her survival: medicine info, side effects, warning signs...anything medical that absolutely, cannot be forgotten.

The inherent problem is simple. When I expanded "Non-negotiables" and then added "Super-stuck" - it reduced the amount of room/energy available for "Negotiables". Sometimes, things just fall right out my ears. There's no real estate left.

I suppose, at some point, "Negotiables" will reclaim some territory. Once you're OT, you don't have to remember med schedules anymore. Far enough OT, and you reduce the doctor's appts you have to remember. Eventually,"Negotiables" will be able to have some more of my time and energy. For now, I don't miss them.

The good news is, my ability to care about "losing" "Negotiables" - also fell out of my ears. I simply don't have the mental space to give a fig when I forget something. I suppose there is an inherent beauty to this plan.
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I have a fair reason to "steal" from myself this evening. First, I'm stinkin' sleepy - and probably not terribly witty or entertaining at the moment. Second - this theory is infinitely applicable in my life right now. As Avalon's medical needs have once again stepped forward, they've run squarely into her "social calendar", my other daughters' school schedules, and my own ridiculous list of committments.

Over the last few weeks, I've forgotten more than I've remembered! I can and have remembered every intimate detail of Avalon's medical issues. I've remembered every symptom, vital reading, doctor's statement. I have, however, forgotten nearly everything else. I've forgotten meetings, school assignments, birthday plans, this whole blog. How nutty is that?

Have I forgotten the diet? Hmmm, yes and no. I remember I'm supposed to be dieting - but can't manage to remember to get to the store to get the healthy stuff I need. Basically, I think that in light of the recent stress...my brain has opted to take a mini vacation. My non-essential thoughts didn't fall out of my head...they opted for a bus to Vancouver instead.

Time to re-group, re-focus, and re-energize. This is a whole new week. I've cancelled a few non-essential commitments, and am attempting to re-direct my meandering mind. Tomorrow, I start anew. No more cheating in the name of stress, no more caving to the easy food rather than the more difficult healthy choice.

Ahhh...self awareness. Sometimes, it just sucks.

The "Come-Back" kid, Alicia Hall - losing weight, and my mind, raising awareness for cancer kids www.crazycancermom.com

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