Temptation, thy name is pizza.
I want you to know, I faced a demon today...and won! I'm going to make you all dance a happy jig for me. Nope, you may have to take out full page ads in the New York Times.... Nah, I'll settle for a little "Wahoo!" and get on with my life. Gotcha interested, don't I?
It all started with a special evening out for our family. We were invited to a private party at local place, Magic Mountain, with a group that serves families with life-threatening illnesses, Adventures for Wish Kids. Magic Mountain has video games, go karts, mini-golf, laser tag, and climbing tunnels. Basically, its a little kids' shangri la.
Problem is, Magic Mountain also had a den of eeeevil.... It had a free BUFFET dinner...with pizza. Pizza!! Wheat and yeast filled, carbohydrate-laden, ooey gooey circles of heaven.... Hmmmm...how good it smelled... I mean, you need to understand - it smelled good enough to climb inside of and set up housekeeping. This was not normal pizza smell. This was pizza-smell of the Gods.
So how do I happen to arrive at the lovely mountain of magic? Starving. All out, over-the-top, seriously-considering-gnawing-on-a-child famished. Rather large mistake on my part.
In all fairness though, I just plain didn't have time to eat today. This stupid healthy habit stuff is time consuming! I made my egg/onion concoction this morning, but I could never eek out the time to find a healthy lunch option. I had kids to get clean, dishes, Mt Fujiyama of laundry to start sorting, 2 kids in online school to work with, my 10 month old time-bandit...you get the idea. I had a typical mom's morning. By the time mom's morning morphed into mom's afternoon - we were aiming down the road for speech therapy. As we ran pell mell out the door of speech, we were zooming down several highways to pick up my daughter's loaner wheelchair. From there, I broke land speed records in a grocery store to get the way-past-the-point-of-necessity baby formula. Post formula? On our way to meet Daddy at the infamous Magic Mountain torture chamber. Whew! I suppose I did do a few things today. Who knew?
See my point though? In the process of running hither and thither - it would have been stinkin' easy to slide my van right through any of the 5 (yes I counted them!) Golden Arches I passed. Truth be told, I had to restrain the car with the might of Paul Bunyan. Its passed through so many Golden Arches, its magnetically attracted to them. (hmmm, wonder if that has anything to do with those 100 pounds I have to offer up?) But no, I fought the good fight - and waved fondly as I passed each of my former Meccas. Poor Ronald, he may fall into deep dispair without my patronage.
So much for my dogged perserverence. It landed me right in the middle of Temptation Island - at a free buffet - surrounded by one of my most fiendish foes...pizza. Curses!
However, I am THRILLED to report that I "just said no". I didn't say it nicely, I didn't say it kindly. I said it with a plethera of whines, complaints, whimpers, and bitter rantings. I said it through gritted teeth and quite the pained expression - but I said it! Hah!
I hope one of my cyber friends will forgive me sharing something she emailed me, but this would appear to be the perfect time for it. Last week, as I began this insane quest, my friend Brenda sent me the following note:
"Maybe your dieting could take on an additional anti-cancer theme: For every fat cell you're shrinking, imagine the demise of a cancer cell. For every calorie or cell you're not taking in, imagine a cloning process of cells that could've turned into a mutant cancer cell but the process of control took over and eliminated cancerous activity in favor of healthy multiplication. I hope this tiny tidbit helps you stay the course and not feel as if you're deprived without a justifiable cause!!"
Brenda, I want you to know, you are a certified genius. Just as the smell nearly had me down for the count, I began thinking of all those cancer cells that I could theoretically deny "food" to. I managed to not only get the pizza for my children, but get it for them - and walk away from it, and load up on salad instead. Again, I want to make it clear. Passing on the pizza was not some emotional nirvana. There was no great "inner peace" achieved tonight. It totally stunk more than the keesters of a thousand skunks. But I did it! Hah!
Lest you think I have become some great diety of dieting...I do have a major confession. I may have walked away from the pizza and lasgna (oh, did I forget to mention they had lasagna too?), but I indulged myself by trying a bite of each of the three dessert pizzas. Truly, it was only one small bite of each, but I regretted them as soon as I took them. I mean, crud. Not one of them was worth the calories that were no doubt packed into that one tiny bite. What a waste! Oooh - I was so irritated with myself for being so weak. My hubby jumped to the rescue, though.
First, he completely "got it" . When I griped about the bites not being worth the calories, he said "If you'd have waited - I could have tasted them and warned you they weren't worth the effort". Before I had a chance to whack him senseless with a carrot stick, he immediately redeemed himself by saying, "But I know that it wouldn't have mattered. You needed to taste them for yourself. "
Arguably, he still was in jeopardy of being whalloped at this point. Then, he became my knight in shining cotton - and offered up this bit of wisdom. "Honey, don't look at it as a failure. You didn't eat even one bite of pizza. You got it for the girls, you sat here while we ate it - but you never touched it. That's a HUGE victory! You had to take those tastes. Because next time, you won't even want to - you'll know they're not worth it. This wasn't a failure - it was a lesson. You passed!"
Wow, who knew you could fall in love with your spouse all over again...over a few lousy dessert pizzas? I guess it goes to show you, love really isn't blind - it just pretends to be when it cares enough. When its needs to see - sometimes love has superhuman vision and focus.
Thanks to my hubby tonight for his encouragement. I'm putting a few extra points in his husband account for the next time he forgets my birthday...
Breakfast: 2 eggs, mountains of onions, 1 tomato, 2 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer each
Lunch: - nope, no time
Dinner: Huge salad to distract me from pizza purgatory, salad had hard-boiled eggs, cheese, pepperoni (which I pretended was cooked and on a green pizza) 2 diet cokes, 3 small bites of 3 different dessert pizzas. (remember - not a weak moment...a lesson. A lesson. A lesson. Keep repeating that - I am)
Alicia - www.crazycancermom.com
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
September 9, 2007
Doooooode. (yeah, I know its spelled "dude" - I'm going for an expressive feeling here)
Anyway, doooooode. I'm actually blogging on the day I'm talking about - two nights in a row! Cooooool....
Sorry, feeling rather frisky at the moment. I'm thinking its a mixture of starvation, fat cells croaking off and releasing god-forsaken toxins into my brain, and computer brain-drain, from staring at a screen for waaaayy too many hours today. Whatever the reason, I'm a bit woozey.
Hmmm, I'm supposed to be telling you about my Conquering O' the Pudge, aren't I? OK, on with it.
As far as food and temptation today - little of either. I'm so stinking limited on what I can eat, I'm being horribly repetitive. This leads me to discuss what is going to have to become a page of my website eventually. Frequently Asked Questions. How about if I tackle just a few tonight?
Ques #1: How do we know you're really losing weight?
Answ: Very fair question, indeed. I plan on posting pictures on the website www.crazycancermom.com However, I have so many things to put there about cancer kids, cancer charities, why I'm doing this, etc... My incredible bulge pics have just taken a back seat.
Ques #2: So, just how huge are you?
Answ: Again, very fair question. Obviously, I'm rather zaftig. (how's that for a vocabulary word?) If I were normal size - I wouldn't have 100 pounds to offer up. The I-may-die-as-I-type-this truth is I started this quest at a whopping 258 pounds. I have a photo of me next to the number and Day 1. I'll take a new picture this week. I honestly just haven't made the time to do it. (all pics in the same outfit - no hiding behind fashion!)
Ques #3: What are you doing to lose weight so fast?
Answ: Truth? Not eating the foods I'm allergic too. I'm allergic to wheat, gluten, yeast, and peanuts. I'm also really, REALLY hypoglycemic (low blood sugar). I should never eat starches, sugar, or even much natural sugar like fruit. I've been tested for these things, I know it. However, its way, WAY WAY easier (and tremendously more fun) to live life eating these things than not. If you peruse the list I'm not "supposed" to have, you'll notice that basically only veggies and meat are left. I hate most meat. I'm a terrible carnivore. I have to mask meat with onions, garlic, peppers, etc to be able to tolerate it. So, I've been eating healthy for me this week - but cripes do I smell!
Ques#4: What exercise are you doing?
Answ: Paltry little so far. Yeah, yeah - I know exercise is as important as diet - if not more so. I'll get to it. May I please get past the bagel dreams before you toss me screaming into total healthdom?!
There you go - the start of my FAQ page. Hope that answered some burning inquiries for you.
I'm off to by lumpy, bumpy bed now. I'm thoroughly sick of computers and typing. So long!
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 C cheddar cheese, enough onions to choke a horse, 1 large C coffee - 3 tbs creamer
Lunch: 1 pitifully small hamburger, mountains of onions again (see why I smell?) 1 diet coke
Dinner: 1 huge pile of weed-looking greens, 1/2 C Cheddar cheese, 6 pepperonis, 2 TBS or less of dressing. water, C of coffee with creamer
Night!
Alicia www.crazycancermom.com
Anyway, doooooode. I'm actually blogging on the day I'm talking about - two nights in a row! Cooooool....
Sorry, feeling rather frisky at the moment. I'm thinking its a mixture of starvation, fat cells croaking off and releasing god-forsaken toxins into my brain, and computer brain-drain, from staring at a screen for waaaayy too many hours today. Whatever the reason, I'm a bit woozey.
Hmmm, I'm supposed to be telling you about my Conquering O' the Pudge, aren't I? OK, on with it.
As far as food and temptation today - little of either. I'm so stinking limited on what I can eat, I'm being horribly repetitive. This leads me to discuss what is going to have to become a page of my website eventually. Frequently Asked Questions. How about if I tackle just a few tonight?
Ques #1: How do we know you're really losing weight?
Answ: Very fair question, indeed. I plan on posting pictures on the website www.crazycancermom.com However, I have so many things to put there about cancer kids, cancer charities, why I'm doing this, etc... My incredible bulge pics have just taken a back seat.
Ques #2: So, just how huge are you?
Answ: Again, very fair question. Obviously, I'm rather zaftig. (how's that for a vocabulary word?) If I were normal size - I wouldn't have 100 pounds to offer up. The I-may-die-as-I-type-this truth is I started this quest at a whopping 258 pounds. I have a photo of me next to the number and Day 1. I'll take a new picture this week. I honestly just haven't made the time to do it. (all pics in the same outfit - no hiding behind fashion!)
Ques #3: What are you doing to lose weight so fast?
Answ: Truth? Not eating the foods I'm allergic too. I'm allergic to wheat, gluten, yeast, and peanuts. I'm also really, REALLY hypoglycemic (low blood sugar). I should never eat starches, sugar, or even much natural sugar like fruit. I've been tested for these things, I know it. However, its way, WAY WAY easier (and tremendously more fun) to live life eating these things than not. If you peruse the list I'm not "supposed" to have, you'll notice that basically only veggies and meat are left. I hate most meat. I'm a terrible carnivore. I have to mask meat with onions, garlic, peppers, etc to be able to tolerate it. So, I've been eating healthy for me this week - but cripes do I smell!
Ques#4: What exercise are you doing?
Answ: Paltry little so far. Yeah, yeah - I know exercise is as important as diet - if not more so. I'll get to it. May I please get past the bagel dreams before you toss me screaming into total healthdom?!
There you go - the start of my FAQ page. Hope that answered some burning inquiries for you.
I'm off to by lumpy, bumpy bed now. I'm thoroughly sick of computers and typing. So long!
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 C cheddar cheese, enough onions to choke a horse, 1 large C coffee - 3 tbs creamer
Lunch: 1 pitifully small hamburger, mountains of onions again (see why I smell?) 1 diet coke
Dinner: 1 huge pile of weed-looking greens, 1/2 C Cheddar cheese, 6 pepperonis, 2 TBS or less of dressing. water, C of coffee with creamer
Night!
Alicia www.crazycancermom.com
Saturday, September 8, 2007
September 8, 2007
Not quite "feelin'" it tonight. Ever had those days?
Truthfully, I should be bouncing off the walls. I've lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in 8 days - not too bad. Frankly, darned worth the restrictions. Problem is, I'm kind of in the what-does-it-really-matter mode. I'm frustrated. I'm also utterly, totally convinced that I'm not reaching a single human. I know, I'm at the beginning, taking baby steps. I guess, its the complete round of "ignoring" my friends and family have drowned me in.
In all fairness, I did try to do a Fat-A-Thon while my daughter was on treatment. My motives were pure, I wanted to donate the money to a charity we started in her name. (giving back to kids at our local hospital) But, get real, I didn't get to be this size by having great will power. Let's see, if I eat when I'm stressed...do you think trying to lose weight when your baby is going through chemo is wise? Duhhhhh.... Yeah, not necessarily my brightest idea. So, you see, I'm sure people who know me figure I'm going to fail again this time. Problem is, if they really knew me, they'd know how much my heart has changed.
I guess my case of the blahs is due to a common phenomenon we often discuss in my on-line pediatric cancer parents' list. We're a group of ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) parents who share news, concerns, celebrations, and most of all...heart. These amazing people are responsible for not only bringing me out of a self-induced depression and isolation; but they have given me the strength and the commitment to do this insanity - for all of "our" kids. Anyway, the phenomenon I referred to could perhaps be described as "time sensitive apathy". With ALL, chemotherapy lasts a minimum of 2 years 2 months (girls) and in some recent studies for boys - up to nearly 4 years! Yes, you read that right - 4 years.
What I've come to find out, is that pretty much all of us have endured the loss of support due to t.s.a. . Even those of us lucky enough to have people rally around us in the beginning, are usually flying solo by the time we reach the big OT (off treatment) day. And post treatment? Are you kidding?! My daughter has brain damage requiring a permanent shunt in her brain, osteoporosis, joint damage, is awaiting her wheelchair, memory issues, is losing her eyesight again, and faces an uncertain future. But, ask me how often anyone wants to listen about a procedure, a test, or therapy. A few people cordially ask - but most look bored to tears if I try to tell them the truth. I can pretty much count on one hand the people who can tell you what all she deals with on a daily basis. Basically, once our kids aren't "news" anymore, they're not nearly as interesting to hear about. If people only knew how much that hurts some days...
Do I blame people? Not really. The fact is, we live with the doctors' appointments, side affects, whining, pain, and daily struggles - they don't. After all, the first thing everyone says is, "She looks so good". She does, unless you look at her x-rays, blood work, or test scores. Sure, she looks happy when they see her - its usually at a happy event. What they don't see is the daily struggle with pain or the frustration we face as she "loses" even the smallest pieces of information some days. She, and all other cancer kids, are the perfect examples of "Don't judge a book by its cover." In the thick of treatment, a pale, bald, emaciated child may look horrible - but still manage to find joy each day and live life with fervor and meaning. Conversely, an off treatment child may have hair, be nice and filled out (look good)- and fight issues that only their parents and doctors can "see". Both are poorly served by people too willing to walk quickly in and out of their lives.
I guess I'm particularly cranky this evening because my feelings are bruised. Two ladies that are part of my online group created a masterpiece last weekend. They recruited pictures of children from our group, and made what may come to be known in our world, as one of the most beautiful, honest, and touching video tributes to pediatric cancer warriors. The video is as real as it gets - and truly conveys our reality - in a mere few minutes. If you are willing to expand your heart - watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGS4yE5v9rM
My daughter and husband are part of the video - with a very powerful message on their slide. And the ladies honored me deeply by using a quote from my site, "One child lost is too many, One child saved...Can change the world." As I dreamed up crazycancermom.com, I wanted a way to convey my feelings for the children I've met during this journey I remembered how the death of one special little girl truly devastated our family and changed our perspective so much. I also remembered what I would hold onto, during the worst nights of fear, as I watched my daughter breathe in her sleep. I survived by reminding myself that we'd been told by a sensitive, that my daughter would grow up to have a "great voice. She will affect many people and do great things." I clung to that for life - I couldn't lose my daughter - she had to grow up to change the world for the better. There you have it, the quote for the site.
So, here is this video - so terribly personal and meaningful to me. While it does make me cry, it makes my heart sing too. As my friends released it for the world, grand, explosive things began to happen. The video quickly raced through our "cancer community". Its been posted on national websites and countless children's web pages. Its being made into a DVD so charities and hospitals can use it for awareness seminars and presentations. Its been sent to congress to convince politicians to pay attention to the children it portrays. The video, and these women have made a difference, and its amazing.
I, of course, wanted to do my best to pass it along. I immediately linked it to my crazycancermom site and spent two days drafting the perfect letter to accompany it to my friends and family. I poured my heart out about Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and its dire importance this year. I thanked people for their past support and described how personal this video was for us. I finished the letter by inviting everyone to this adventure, my most personal of personal endeavors... 50 people I sent it to...two responded. Some people had to send the video home to view it - and then never did. Some people were too busy that day. Some people were irritated it was to support research instead of their own charity of choice. (entirely missing the point, by the way) But mostly, people were just too in-their-own-lives to take the time to peek into ours.
And if you think they were too busy for the video - oh let me clue you in about the fat-a-thon festival! Hah! I have personally had the unfortunate opportunity to ask several of my recipients what they thought about the new website. My invisibility is proof positive they never even bothered to open the email. Yeah, I admit it, I'm bruised and a tad bitter tonight.
But, as any cancer child would tell me - get over it. I can't change what is - I can only change how I react to it. My former self would have said "What the heck, nobody cares - so eat the stupid brownies. It doesn't matter anyway." You know what? My former self would have been wrong! It does matter. These kids MATTER. I'm basically experiencing exactly what the whole cause of pediatric cancer is facing. I'm being ignored because it takes concerted effort to be involved in something.
Its easier for people to go about their own days and not open themselves up for a minute to something else. Its easier to read a note, maybe watch a video, then push it out of your mind without so much as a "Thank you - that was touching.", or "Good luck! I'll be rooting for you!". Its easier to not check in on a blog - because ooohh - maybe one day the author will have a bad day and be honest about it. It is easier - I don't deny it.
That's the entire issue our children face. Its easier for Congress to ignore them - there aren't as many of us fighting for them as their are lobbyists for breast cancer or heart disease. Its easier to ignore kids with cancer, because their numbers don't represent enough revenue to make them attractive to pharmaceutical companies. Its easier to ignore our children, remark that they "look good" and convince yourself that everything will/has worked out just fine...because its easier than admitting children with cancer suffer, children with cancer die. Its easier to act like it could never happen to you...because that's what we all thought - until we heard the fateful words, "It's Cancer."
No question its easier - but that will NEVER make it right. Take a moment, make a stand...make the effort to take the time. A child and the mother who will do anything to keep that child...will appreciate you.
Comment or not - I'm OK. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to keep losing (weight). Its NOT easier - but its worth it.
-Alicia - proud mom to 4 beautiful children - one of whom is the bravest girl I know.
Daily menu - did fine today, but don't feel like sharing. So there.
Truthfully, I should be bouncing off the walls. I've lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in 8 days - not too bad. Frankly, darned worth the restrictions. Problem is, I'm kind of in the what-does-it-really-matter mode. I'm frustrated. I'm also utterly, totally convinced that I'm not reaching a single human. I know, I'm at the beginning, taking baby steps. I guess, its the complete round of "ignoring" my friends and family have drowned me in.
In all fairness, I did try to do a Fat-A-Thon while my daughter was on treatment. My motives were pure, I wanted to donate the money to a charity we started in her name. (giving back to kids at our local hospital) But, get real, I didn't get to be this size by having great will power. Let's see, if I eat when I'm stressed...do you think trying to lose weight when your baby is going through chemo is wise? Duhhhhh.... Yeah, not necessarily my brightest idea. So, you see, I'm sure people who know me figure I'm going to fail again this time. Problem is, if they really knew me, they'd know how much my heart has changed.
I guess my case of the blahs is due to a common phenomenon we often discuss in my on-line pediatric cancer parents' list. We're a group of ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia) parents who share news, concerns, celebrations, and most of all...heart. These amazing people are responsible for not only bringing me out of a self-induced depression and isolation; but they have given me the strength and the commitment to do this insanity - for all of "our" kids. Anyway, the phenomenon I referred to could perhaps be described as "time sensitive apathy". With ALL, chemotherapy lasts a minimum of 2 years 2 months (girls) and in some recent studies for boys - up to nearly 4 years! Yes, you read that right - 4 years.
What I've come to find out, is that pretty much all of us have endured the loss of support due to t.s.a. . Even those of us lucky enough to have people rally around us in the beginning, are usually flying solo by the time we reach the big OT (off treatment) day. And post treatment? Are you kidding?! My daughter has brain damage requiring a permanent shunt in her brain, osteoporosis, joint damage, is awaiting her wheelchair, memory issues, is losing her eyesight again, and faces an uncertain future. But, ask me how often anyone wants to listen about a procedure, a test, or therapy. A few people cordially ask - but most look bored to tears if I try to tell them the truth. I can pretty much count on one hand the people who can tell you what all she deals with on a daily basis. Basically, once our kids aren't "news" anymore, they're not nearly as interesting to hear about. If people only knew how much that hurts some days...
Do I blame people? Not really. The fact is, we live with the doctors' appointments, side affects, whining, pain, and daily struggles - they don't. After all, the first thing everyone says is, "She looks so good". She does, unless you look at her x-rays, blood work, or test scores. Sure, she looks happy when they see her - its usually at a happy event. What they don't see is the daily struggle with pain or the frustration we face as she "loses" even the smallest pieces of information some days. She, and all other cancer kids, are the perfect examples of "Don't judge a book by its cover." In the thick of treatment, a pale, bald, emaciated child may look horrible - but still manage to find joy each day and live life with fervor and meaning. Conversely, an off treatment child may have hair, be nice and filled out (look good)- and fight issues that only their parents and doctors can "see". Both are poorly served by people too willing to walk quickly in and out of their lives.
I guess I'm particularly cranky this evening because my feelings are bruised. Two ladies that are part of my online group created a masterpiece last weekend. They recruited pictures of children from our group, and made what may come to be known in our world, as one of the most beautiful, honest, and touching video tributes to pediatric cancer warriors. The video is as real as it gets - and truly conveys our reality - in a mere few minutes. If you are willing to expand your heart - watch it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGS4yE5v9rM
My daughter and husband are part of the video - with a very powerful message on their slide. And the ladies honored me deeply by using a quote from my site, "One child lost is too many, One child saved...Can change the world." As I dreamed up crazycancermom.com, I wanted a way to convey my feelings for the children I've met during this journey I remembered how the death of one special little girl truly devastated our family and changed our perspective so much. I also remembered what I would hold onto, during the worst nights of fear, as I watched my daughter breathe in her sleep. I survived by reminding myself that we'd been told by a sensitive, that my daughter would grow up to have a "great voice. She will affect many people and do great things." I clung to that for life - I couldn't lose my daughter - she had to grow up to change the world for the better. There you have it, the quote for the site.
So, here is this video - so terribly personal and meaningful to me. While it does make me cry, it makes my heart sing too. As my friends released it for the world, grand, explosive things began to happen. The video quickly raced through our "cancer community". Its been posted on national websites and countless children's web pages. Its being made into a DVD so charities and hospitals can use it for awareness seminars and presentations. Its been sent to congress to convince politicians to pay attention to the children it portrays. The video, and these women have made a difference, and its amazing.
I, of course, wanted to do my best to pass it along. I immediately linked it to my crazycancermom site and spent two days drafting the perfect letter to accompany it to my friends and family. I poured my heart out about Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and its dire importance this year. I thanked people for their past support and described how personal this video was for us. I finished the letter by inviting everyone to this adventure, my most personal of personal endeavors... 50 people I sent it to...two responded. Some people had to send the video home to view it - and then never did. Some people were too busy that day. Some people were irritated it was to support research instead of their own charity of choice. (entirely missing the point, by the way) But mostly, people were just too in-their-own-lives to take the time to peek into ours.
And if you think they were too busy for the video - oh let me clue you in about the fat-a-thon festival! Hah! I have personally had the unfortunate opportunity to ask several of my recipients what they thought about the new website. My invisibility is proof positive they never even bothered to open the email. Yeah, I admit it, I'm bruised and a tad bitter tonight.
But, as any cancer child would tell me - get over it. I can't change what is - I can only change how I react to it. My former self would have said "What the heck, nobody cares - so eat the stupid brownies. It doesn't matter anyway." You know what? My former self would have been wrong! It does matter. These kids MATTER. I'm basically experiencing exactly what the whole cause of pediatric cancer is facing. I'm being ignored because it takes concerted effort to be involved in something.
Its easier for people to go about their own days and not open themselves up for a minute to something else. Its easier to read a note, maybe watch a video, then push it out of your mind without so much as a "Thank you - that was touching.", or "Good luck! I'll be rooting for you!". Its easier to not check in on a blog - because ooohh - maybe one day the author will have a bad day and be honest about it. It is easier - I don't deny it.
That's the entire issue our children face. Its easier for Congress to ignore them - there aren't as many of us fighting for them as their are lobbyists for breast cancer or heart disease. Its easier to ignore kids with cancer, because their numbers don't represent enough revenue to make them attractive to pharmaceutical companies. Its easier to ignore our children, remark that they "look good" and convince yourself that everything will/has worked out just fine...because its easier than admitting children with cancer suffer, children with cancer die. Its easier to act like it could never happen to you...because that's what we all thought - until we heard the fateful words, "It's Cancer."
No question its easier - but that will NEVER make it right. Take a moment, make a stand...make the effort to take the time. A child and the mother who will do anything to keep that child...will appreciate you.
Comment or not - I'm OK. I'm going to keep fighting and I'm going to keep losing (weight). Its NOT easier - but its worth it.
-Alicia - proud mom to 4 beautiful children - one of whom is the bravest girl I know.
Daily menu - did fine today, but don't feel like sharing. So there.
September 7, 2007
**You may notice that the dates in my Blubber Blog title sometimes don't match the posting dates. That's because, I'm trying to be 100% honest in my food diary. I don't post until nighttime, and frankly, I'm ancient! Some nights I'm too damn tired (or calorie deficient) to activate enough brain cells to post the blog entry. I suppose you'll either have to get over the discrepancy, or send and angry mob my direction...**
Wow - today has been quite the day for heartfelt reflecting and dietary suffering. There's so much to say - I'm not sure how to tackle it.
The day started with complete insanity like any normal house with 4 kids, too much crap, school to do - and too little time. We spent the morning running like crazy people - tossing random children in and out of showers, searching for matching outfits (yes, I'm one of those geeky people), and trying to squeeze in a moment or two of education. Having failed in most areas of attempt this morning, I gave up any thoughts of accomplishment and loaded the brood into the car for the first round of cancer-family-dom.
We belong to a local pediatric cancer charity http://www.kidsnkamp.org/. Kids N Kamp provides "relief" activities for families battling pediatric cancer. There are moms' night outs, dads' night outs, family camp, quilting weekend, a huge Christmas party...the list is quite long. Anyway, yesterday, the A-gang and I went to downtown Columbus to join KNK for a Childhood Cancer Awareness Rally on the statehouse lawn. Our governor's wife was there, a few doctors from Columbus Children's hospital, and several speakers.
The two hours we spent with the group were a mixture of hilarity and heartache. First, I need to back up a bit. In the midst of the morning mayhem - I had been unable to find a pair of *clean* respectable shorts. So, I pulled out a fancy print cotton skirt and matching shirt. The skirt is one of those respectable mom skirts, great pattern - just to the knee - would make the "What Not To Wear" people quite proud. Here's the issue though. I had, in my I-don't-hardly-have-time-to-fart morning haste, neglected to watch the weather forecast. I'm not a complete loser - I had logged on and checked out temperatures, I just hadn't watched the full broadcast on local TV. Seemingly harmless omission, right?
Wrong! OH, wrong, wrong, wrong..... What I had failed to learn was that Columbus was going to be experiencing gale force winds at the precise time I would be attempting to walk several blocks to and from my car, wearing that cute, lighter-than-air skirt. Suffice it to say, there's a darn good possibility you may see my over-sized keester in one of those "Why You Should Own a Camera Phone" emails. Yep, I might as well have gone to the rally in nothing but my old lady undies. I virtually did anyway.
The rally itself brought on the heartache. Kids N Kamp is proud to boast that its the only local group that continues to include families who have lost children to cancer. As such, they take time each year at this rally to ask grieving families to come forward, while they have a moment of silence, followed by a beautiful song to memorialize the children. Its so real for me, its tangible. This is not a fraternity anyone wants to imagine themselves in - but here I am. My child can die. Of course, anyone's child can die - they don't come with little guarantees. Its just that...cancer children do die - often. Standing up front was a family I met at Christmas last year. Their son died less than two weeks after diagnosis - their shock was so great, I'm not sure how long until the grieving could begin. Today was torturous for them - by sheer chance, the rally fell on the one year anniversary of their son's death. Pure Agony.
Also up front, I was shocked to see a mother I've know for 2 years. Our children played together at clinic, they participated together in an awareness event two years ago. Then, when they called for parents who had lost children...she walked forward. My heart stopped. There "I" was....it could so easily be me. Its a difficult thing to process.
As of the end of the ceremony - I determined I would not post anything comical tonight - just a brief description of the event, and a few poignant thoughts. Done. By day's end, I changed my mind. If our children have taught me anything, its that life must continue to go on. You have to laugh and enjoy yourself - you cannot surrender to the Beast. If you surrender your humor and joy - the Beast wins. I will not let the Beast win. Cancer cannot take joy from my life - I won't give it that much power.
As sad as the ceremony left me, I soon had to snap back to reality. I had to find the handi-capped entrance into the statehouse to get my gang and two strollers into the reception. The Tibetan death hike around the building hunting for a tiny little sign (apparantly, the statehouse decorators think handicapped people are 6 inches tall and have superhuman vision) - led to 100 more opportunities to have my derriere exposed by high winds. By the time we made it inside, the wind had managed to lift my spirits, along with my skirt.
The reception became my first super-hero event for the day. Dum dum DUM! (sing superhero triumphant noises in your head) I managed to weave my way through a reception that was a sugar wonderland - and squeak out a healthy, albeit tiny lunch. Before attempting to shrink myself for the kids, I would have used my sad heart as an excuse to try each and every delectable kind of gourmet cookie. Today? Nope. I stayed the course and drank water, and had a few small pieces of cheese and three tiny chicken nuggets. Woo hoo! I can stay on track! I was mighty pleased with myself, even if I did catch my salivary glands giving me away by nearly making me drool as I walked past the table-of-wonder.
Post reception, I got to subject myself to the mighty winds again and fight my way to the car. The A-gang and I choogled on home and got to rest and regroup for about 90 minutes before we had to head back out.
Tonight was another Pediatric Cancer event. This one was through Hats for Heroes - the charity branch of our local NHL team, The Columbus Blue Jackets (http://bluejackets.nhl.com/). A lovely couple invited some cancer families to join them at the local harness racing track and watch a charity race they had organized. What sweet humans! Not only did we fall head over heels in love with Doug and Lori, but the kids and I had so much fun. Daughter 3, my cancer child, had been feeling horrible most of the afternoon. She'd been laying down, insisting on having a "puke bowl" (her colorful terms) at her side constantly, and been whining like the world was ending. We held some serious negotiations to get her to attend - and even she had the time of her life! Funny, how enjoying yourself can sometimes make the "Mookies" go away.
The girls got to cheer for the horse that belonged to our hosts, pose for pictures with the winner of the charity race, catch up with a wonderful family we met earlier in the year, and hug on one of our favorite hockey players. My cancer daughter is a full-out stalker of one young player. Thankfully, its a mutual admiration - so he doesn't mind her being glued to him at events. Her older sister, daughter #2, in typical little-kid fashion, couldn't possibly share her crush. Therefore, daughter #2 picked a different player to stalk. Lucky for her, he was at the race last night. I clued his wife in on the "crush" - so he made an extra effort to spend time with her. She blushed all the way to a deep shade of magenta - but enjoyed the attention.
I'm also proud to report, that I managed to stay the dietary course tonight! Wahoo! And let me tell you - I'm going to toot my own horn to Mt. Everest for this one. First, I admit to complete starvation thanks to my meager lunchtime munchings. But then, oh then, I came face to face with one of my giant nemeses...pizza. Oooooh - and this pizza looked goooood. But yes, I managed to "just say No" and ordered a Caesar salad instead. And since my kids get some kind of devilish delight in stealing my croutons - I didn't even have very many of those to contend with. Add to it, I was far too busy running my mouth to actually pause and insert food...and I actually only ate about 1/2 of the salad. Victory! Victory - thy name is distraction. I'm thinking I need to line up consistent social occasions to distract me from ever eating again. ...just a thought.
There you go - one very long...very exhausting day. Hence the "retro-posting" thing.
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/2 C cheese (yes I splurged), 1/2 C onions, 1 tomato, 1C coffee w/ 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 3 tiny chicken nuggets, approx 2 oz cheese (tiny, TINY pieces of 6 different cheeses), water
Dinner: 1/2 Caesar salad, 2 diet Cokes
Exercise: - walked several blocks through gale-force winds trying to hide my keester, walked/stood for hours holding a squirming, disagreeable baby
Wow - today has been quite the day for heartfelt reflecting and dietary suffering. There's so much to say - I'm not sure how to tackle it.
The day started with complete insanity like any normal house with 4 kids, too much crap, school to do - and too little time. We spent the morning running like crazy people - tossing random children in and out of showers, searching for matching outfits (yes, I'm one of those geeky people), and trying to squeeze in a moment or two of education. Having failed in most areas of attempt this morning, I gave up any thoughts of accomplishment and loaded the brood into the car for the first round of cancer-family-dom.
We belong to a local pediatric cancer charity http://www.kidsnkamp.org/. Kids N Kamp provides "relief" activities for families battling pediatric cancer. There are moms' night outs, dads' night outs, family camp, quilting weekend, a huge Christmas party...the list is quite long. Anyway, yesterday, the A-gang and I went to downtown Columbus to join KNK for a Childhood Cancer Awareness Rally on the statehouse lawn. Our governor's wife was there, a few doctors from Columbus Children's hospital, and several speakers.
The two hours we spent with the group were a mixture of hilarity and heartache. First, I need to back up a bit. In the midst of the morning mayhem - I had been unable to find a pair of *clean* respectable shorts. So, I pulled out a fancy print cotton skirt and matching shirt. The skirt is one of those respectable mom skirts, great pattern - just to the knee - would make the "What Not To Wear" people quite proud. Here's the issue though. I had, in my I-don't-hardly-have-time-to-fart morning haste, neglected to watch the weather forecast. I'm not a complete loser - I had logged on and checked out temperatures, I just hadn't watched the full broadcast on local TV. Seemingly harmless omission, right?
Wrong! OH, wrong, wrong, wrong..... What I had failed to learn was that Columbus was going to be experiencing gale force winds at the precise time I would be attempting to walk several blocks to and from my car, wearing that cute, lighter-than-air skirt. Suffice it to say, there's a darn good possibility you may see my over-sized keester in one of those "Why You Should Own a Camera Phone" emails. Yep, I might as well have gone to the rally in nothing but my old lady undies. I virtually did anyway.
The rally itself brought on the heartache. Kids N Kamp is proud to boast that its the only local group that continues to include families who have lost children to cancer. As such, they take time each year at this rally to ask grieving families to come forward, while they have a moment of silence, followed by a beautiful song to memorialize the children. Its so real for me, its tangible. This is not a fraternity anyone wants to imagine themselves in - but here I am. My child can die. Of course, anyone's child can die - they don't come with little guarantees. Its just that...cancer children do die - often. Standing up front was a family I met at Christmas last year. Their son died less than two weeks after diagnosis - their shock was so great, I'm not sure how long until the grieving could begin. Today was torturous for them - by sheer chance, the rally fell on the one year anniversary of their son's death. Pure Agony.
Also up front, I was shocked to see a mother I've know for 2 years. Our children played together at clinic, they participated together in an awareness event two years ago. Then, when they called for parents who had lost children...she walked forward. My heart stopped. There "I" was....it could so easily be me. Its a difficult thing to process.
As of the end of the ceremony - I determined I would not post anything comical tonight - just a brief description of the event, and a few poignant thoughts. Done. By day's end, I changed my mind. If our children have taught me anything, its that life must continue to go on. You have to laugh and enjoy yourself - you cannot surrender to the Beast. If you surrender your humor and joy - the Beast wins. I will not let the Beast win. Cancer cannot take joy from my life - I won't give it that much power.
As sad as the ceremony left me, I soon had to snap back to reality. I had to find the handi-capped entrance into the statehouse to get my gang and two strollers into the reception. The Tibetan death hike around the building hunting for a tiny little sign (apparantly, the statehouse decorators think handicapped people are 6 inches tall and have superhuman vision) - led to 100 more opportunities to have my derriere exposed by high winds. By the time we made it inside, the wind had managed to lift my spirits, along with my skirt.
The reception became my first super-hero event for the day. Dum dum DUM! (sing superhero triumphant noises in your head) I managed to weave my way through a reception that was a sugar wonderland - and squeak out a healthy, albeit tiny lunch. Before attempting to shrink myself for the kids, I would have used my sad heart as an excuse to try each and every delectable kind of gourmet cookie. Today? Nope. I stayed the course and drank water, and had a few small pieces of cheese and three tiny chicken nuggets. Woo hoo! I can stay on track! I was mighty pleased with myself, even if I did catch my salivary glands giving me away by nearly making me drool as I walked past the table-of-wonder.
Post reception, I got to subject myself to the mighty winds again and fight my way to the car. The A-gang and I choogled on home and got to rest and regroup for about 90 minutes before we had to head back out.
Tonight was another Pediatric Cancer event. This one was through Hats for Heroes - the charity branch of our local NHL team, The Columbus Blue Jackets (http://bluejackets.nhl.com/). A lovely couple invited some cancer families to join them at the local harness racing track and watch a charity race they had organized. What sweet humans! Not only did we fall head over heels in love with Doug and Lori, but the kids and I had so much fun. Daughter 3, my cancer child, had been feeling horrible most of the afternoon. She'd been laying down, insisting on having a "puke bowl" (her colorful terms) at her side constantly, and been whining like the world was ending. We held some serious negotiations to get her to attend - and even she had the time of her life! Funny, how enjoying yourself can sometimes make the "Mookies" go away.
The girls got to cheer for the horse that belonged to our hosts, pose for pictures with the winner of the charity race, catch up with a wonderful family we met earlier in the year, and hug on one of our favorite hockey players. My cancer daughter is a full-out stalker of one young player. Thankfully, its a mutual admiration - so he doesn't mind her being glued to him at events. Her older sister, daughter #2, in typical little-kid fashion, couldn't possibly share her crush. Therefore, daughter #2 picked a different player to stalk. Lucky for her, he was at the race last night. I clued his wife in on the "crush" - so he made an extra effort to spend time with her. She blushed all the way to a deep shade of magenta - but enjoyed the attention.
I'm also proud to report, that I managed to stay the dietary course tonight! Wahoo! And let me tell you - I'm going to toot my own horn to Mt. Everest for this one. First, I admit to complete starvation thanks to my meager lunchtime munchings. But then, oh then, I came face to face with one of my giant nemeses...pizza. Oooooh - and this pizza looked goooood. But yes, I managed to "just say No" and ordered a Caesar salad instead. And since my kids get some kind of devilish delight in stealing my croutons - I didn't even have very many of those to contend with. Add to it, I was far too busy running my mouth to actually pause and insert food...and I actually only ate about 1/2 of the salad. Victory! Victory - thy name is distraction. I'm thinking I need to line up consistent social occasions to distract me from ever eating again. ...just a thought.
There you go - one very long...very exhausting day. Hence the "retro-posting" thing.
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/2 C cheese (yes I splurged), 1/2 C onions, 1 tomato, 1C coffee w/ 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 3 tiny chicken nuggets, approx 2 oz cheese (tiny, TINY pieces of 6 different cheeses), water
Dinner: 1/2 Caesar salad, 2 diet Cokes
Exercise: - walked several blocks through gale-force winds trying to hide my keester, walked/stood for hours holding a squirming, disagreeable baby
Thursday, September 6, 2007
September 6, 2007
Day 4 - and the torment reaches a here-to-fore unheard of level.
First of all, let me share a rather personal tidbit. I had a dream last night...a moist, squishy, sweet and lovely dream. I dreamed of a dancing bagel.
Get your mind out of the gutter! It wasn't a man named B. Agel. It wasn't a pastry perched on a personal part. It was a LARGE, luscious, fresh and squishy Panera "everything" bagel -dripping in enough strawberry cream cheese to smother a mid-sized Toyota. Hmmmm....
No, it wasn't dancing the samba, don't be silly. It was simply swaying back and forth - and gently gliding closer...then farther...then closer... then farther...then close enough to smell the strawberry.... Hmmmmmmmmm. How could you even think foxtrot? I mean really, that would be ridiculous...
So here I was this morning, all wrapped up in my warm thoughts of Bagel-land...when my tiny and good-for-him-he's-so-cute son had to start the morning shriek fest. He went and robbed me of my bagel, just as I was ready to lick the cheese... I know suffering is Mother's job, but honestly, this was taking it a little too far.
So, downstairs I head for my meager morning offering of coffee and organic oats. (woooo.... I'm so thrilled) And just what do I find? Well, I'll tell you. I found proof positive that my mother is the devil. OK, maybe not the actual devil...but she's at least skilled in the art of torture.
You see, my hubby spent the last few days at my parents' house working at an out-of-town job. Because the kids were sick, my sainted mother decided to cook extra and send them some of their favorite comfort foods, noodles, mashed potatoes, meatloaf and potatoes. No question that having to avoid noodles and potatoes is a difficult enough task for a starvin' Marvin - but nooooooo, that wasn't apparantly "good enough" for the she-high Mistress of Mayhem. Oh no. Miss Mayhem the Maniacal had to go and send the children Brownies and Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!!!
Now I ask you, how can that be considered anything short of criminal?! I'm just beginning to hit the major withdrawal/craving portion of the torture-fest, and Mistress Malificent goes and sends chocolate confections to my dieting domicile. Foul! Foul Play I say!! I mean, c'mon...one would have been bad enough, but two? She sent two instruments of destruction to me?! The only possible answer: she made a deal with the devil to live longer if she makes sure she thoroughly stomps on my psyche periodically. Its the only possibility....
So that's how I spent my day, avoiding the pitfall of my pudge-fest. I even had to suffer the insult of opening the containers and handing the delicacies to my eager progeny. I tried not to whimper too much. The next door neighbor assured me it wasn't too loud....most of the day.
Breakfast: Oh whoa is me, I ate a whole cup of the organic oat puff stuff. Woo hoo. I'm living on the edge... 1 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 6 oz meatloaf (thanks mom for sending one thing I could eat) with 8 oz of mushrooms dumped on it to pretend to be potatoes, 1 diet Coke, small salad - few drips of dressing, 1/4 C cheddar cheese, nothing fun on it.
Dinner: Huge, elephant-sized bowl of assorted weed-looking green stuff. 1 TBS salad dressing, 12 pepperonis, 1/4 C cheese, 1 C coffee w/ creamer.*
*Yes, I know darned good and well I shouldn't be drinking coffee. See earlier post, re: Bite me. I'm a bit bitter and cranky at the moment. In the interest of my children's well-being - I am not surrendering any form of caffeinated beverage at the moment. Wanna challenge the decision?!
Exercise: Utilizing EXTREME will power in not even licking a chocolate temptation today. I deserve high praise and a statue in my honor...
First of all, let me share a rather personal tidbit. I had a dream last night...a moist, squishy, sweet and lovely dream. I dreamed of a dancing bagel.
Get your mind out of the gutter! It wasn't a man named B. Agel. It wasn't a pastry perched on a personal part. It was a LARGE, luscious, fresh and squishy Panera "everything" bagel -dripping in enough strawberry cream cheese to smother a mid-sized Toyota. Hmmmm....
No, it wasn't dancing the samba, don't be silly. It was simply swaying back and forth - and gently gliding closer...then farther...then closer... then farther...then close enough to smell the strawberry.... Hmmmmmmmmm. How could you even think foxtrot? I mean really, that would be ridiculous...
So here I was this morning, all wrapped up in my warm thoughts of Bagel-land...when my tiny and good-for-him-he's-so-cute son had to start the morning shriek fest. He went and robbed me of my bagel, just as I was ready to lick the cheese... I know suffering is Mother's job, but honestly, this was taking it a little too far.
So, downstairs I head for my meager morning offering of coffee and organic oats. (woooo.... I'm so thrilled) And just what do I find? Well, I'll tell you. I found proof positive that my mother is the devil. OK, maybe not the actual devil...but she's at least skilled in the art of torture.
You see, my hubby spent the last few days at my parents' house working at an out-of-town job. Because the kids were sick, my sainted mother decided to cook extra and send them some of their favorite comfort foods, noodles, mashed potatoes, meatloaf and potatoes. No question that having to avoid noodles and potatoes is a difficult enough task for a starvin' Marvin - but nooooooo, that wasn't apparantly "good enough" for the she-high Mistress of Mayhem. Oh no. Miss Mayhem the Maniacal had to go and send the children Brownies and Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!!!
Now I ask you, how can that be considered anything short of criminal?! I'm just beginning to hit the major withdrawal/craving portion of the torture-fest, and Mistress Malificent goes and sends chocolate confections to my dieting domicile. Foul! Foul Play I say!! I mean, c'mon...one would have been bad enough, but two? She sent two instruments of destruction to me?! The only possible answer: she made a deal with the devil to live longer if she makes sure she thoroughly stomps on my psyche periodically. Its the only possibility....
So that's how I spent my day, avoiding the pitfall of my pudge-fest. I even had to suffer the insult of opening the containers and handing the delicacies to my eager progeny. I tried not to whimper too much. The next door neighbor assured me it wasn't too loud....most of the day.
Breakfast: Oh whoa is me, I ate a whole cup of the organic oat puff stuff. Woo hoo. I'm living on the edge... 1 C coffee with 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 6 oz meatloaf (thanks mom for sending one thing I could eat) with 8 oz of mushrooms dumped on it to pretend to be potatoes, 1 diet Coke, small salad - few drips of dressing, 1/4 C cheddar cheese, nothing fun on it.
Dinner: Huge, elephant-sized bowl of assorted weed-looking green stuff. 1 TBS salad dressing, 12 pepperonis, 1/4 C cheese, 1 C coffee w/ creamer.*
*Yes, I know darned good and well I shouldn't be drinking coffee. See earlier post, re: Bite me. I'm a bit bitter and cranky at the moment. In the interest of my children's well-being - I am not surrendering any form of caffeinated beverage at the moment. Wanna challenge the decision?!
Exercise: Utilizing EXTREME will power in not even licking a chocolate temptation today. I deserve high praise and a statue in my honor...
September 5, 2007
Day 3 of the Fat-A-Thon. At this point, I can truly say...let the torture begin!! Oh yeah, it hit today - the cravings, the restless I-could-eat-maggots-if-they-were-chocolate-coated, the misery...
It all started lovely enough. I woke up bright and early, ready to get computers together and start online school with the kids. But nooooo, the universe had other ideas. 3, yes THREE of the kids had raging fevers, headaches, body cramps and all-over "mookies". Fan-friggin'-tastic. The good news is, no barfing, no rashes, no ooky fluids coming out anywhere - just fevers and icks. The double good news, they slept off and on all day - giving me some lovely time periods to add info to the crazycancermom site.
The bad news? Are you kidding me?! Anybody thinking it doesn't sound so bad....has obviously not lived with a 4 or 6 yo who doesn't feel good. Lady Whines-A-Lot and Lady Lots-of-Gripes were pure joy in motion. Then there was Sir Yells-So-Much. He was an interesting mixture of pitiful and velcro-him-to-a-wall-able. Truth is, they all looked really pathetic. While they napped most of the afternoon, Daughter #1 stood guard and immersed herself in the Discovery show "How Its Made." Frankly, she saw enough episodes yesterday - she probably earned the equivalent of a few dozen college engineering credits...
Later in the afternoon, I joined the mob for an extended tour of duty. Yes, I still have 100's of things to add to the website. Yes, I'm still trying desperately to avoid the maniacal germ that's flattening my kids. (seriously, I kind of feel like "Dead Woman Walking....I know its out there - just waiting to get me...) But, even self-preservation can be over-ridden by maternal guilt. I gave up my progress and my future health - and joined the bleck bunch.
Who knew my act of selfless surrender would nearly be my dietary undoing? I figured I was just setting myself up for future fevers and aches...not setting myself up to dream about licking bagels. Here's the thing. As you sit quietly on the couch, holding a sleeping baby, you have time to stare at the kitchen... You have time to imagine what butter-laden popcorn would taste like. You have time to mentally squish the bananan and grind the frozen strawberries and peaches into a caloric wonderland of fruit smoothie. You have time dream the forbidden dream....of strawberry cream cheese bagel-land. Ahhhhh...................
Oops, I seem to have gotten a bit off course... The point is, the longer I sat there, the more I began having irrational thoughts of 1001 things I wanted to eat but really didn't need. Funny thing this mind/body of ours. While I've always wistfully looked at the svelte, hard-bodied, fitness gurus - I've never minded tossing those dreams aside for the glorious taste of melting chocolate on my tongue. The mind may tell me I don't need it, but the body screams so LOUDLY that I WANT it, it overshadows the mind in a mere microsecond.
While my body and mind joined forces to declare war on my psyche, I found a new ally...my heart. Was I a walking lunatic? Oh yeah. I opened the 'fridge 50 or so times. I looked in our pantry - easily several dozen times, and I walked aimlessly through the kitchen several dozen more. Daughter #1 won several mommy-points by literally standing nose-to-nose with me and reminding me of my mission. Even the bleck bunch did their best to remind me in feeble little voices that I couldn't cheat. But most of all, my cancer daughter stopped me cold in my tracks. She looked a lot like she did on treatment - tired, pale, miserable. For over two years she felt like she did yesterday, but played, loved, and embraced life. Now, she can act like she feels awful...because now she knows what its like to feel good. That's a blessing I don't take lightly.
I'm starving so more kids have a chance to recognize they're sick - because they have come to again know what "good" is. This may all sound odd to a family not touched by cancer. To families in the fight - the first cold post-treatment is terrifying. But a few colds in - you'll realize, the fact that your child knows they feel awful for a day or two is glorious....because it means they know how it feels to be HEALTHY.
Breakfast: 1/2 C organic oat cereal 1C coffee - 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 1 hamburger, 1 & 1/2 C sauteed mushrooms, 1/4 C sauteed onions, 1 diet Coke, 1 C coffee with creamer
Dinner: huge multi-greens salad, 2 TBS dressing, 6 pepperoni slices (on salad), 1/2 C cheddar cheese, 1 diet Coke
Exercise: - not much. 20 or 30 trips up and down the stairs - but nothing outside or organized. Thinking this is my major downfall!
It all started lovely enough. I woke up bright and early, ready to get computers together and start online school with the kids. But nooooo, the universe had other ideas. 3, yes THREE of the kids had raging fevers, headaches, body cramps and all-over "mookies". Fan-friggin'-tastic. The good news is, no barfing, no rashes, no ooky fluids coming out anywhere - just fevers and icks. The double good news, they slept off and on all day - giving me some lovely time periods to add info to the crazycancermom site.
The bad news? Are you kidding me?! Anybody thinking it doesn't sound so bad....has obviously not lived with a 4 or 6 yo who doesn't feel good. Lady Whines-A-Lot and Lady Lots-of-Gripes were pure joy in motion. Then there was Sir Yells-So-Much. He was an interesting mixture of pitiful and velcro-him-to-a-wall-able. Truth is, they all looked really pathetic. While they napped most of the afternoon, Daughter #1 stood guard and immersed herself in the Discovery show "How Its Made." Frankly, she saw enough episodes yesterday - she probably earned the equivalent of a few dozen college engineering credits...
Later in the afternoon, I joined the mob for an extended tour of duty. Yes, I still have 100's of things to add to the website. Yes, I'm still trying desperately to avoid the maniacal germ that's flattening my kids. (seriously, I kind of feel like "Dead Woman Walking....I know its out there - just waiting to get me...) But, even self-preservation can be over-ridden by maternal guilt. I gave up my progress and my future health - and joined the bleck bunch.
Who knew my act of selfless surrender would nearly be my dietary undoing? I figured I was just setting myself up for future fevers and aches...not setting myself up to dream about licking bagels. Here's the thing. As you sit quietly on the couch, holding a sleeping baby, you have time to stare at the kitchen... You have time to imagine what butter-laden popcorn would taste like. You have time to mentally squish the bananan and grind the frozen strawberries and peaches into a caloric wonderland of fruit smoothie. You have time dream the forbidden dream....of strawberry cream cheese bagel-land. Ahhhhh...................
Oops, I seem to have gotten a bit off course... The point is, the longer I sat there, the more I began having irrational thoughts of 1001 things I wanted to eat but really didn't need. Funny thing this mind/body of ours. While I've always wistfully looked at the svelte, hard-bodied, fitness gurus - I've never minded tossing those dreams aside for the glorious taste of melting chocolate on my tongue. The mind may tell me I don't need it, but the body screams so LOUDLY that I WANT it, it overshadows the mind in a mere microsecond.
While my body and mind joined forces to declare war on my psyche, I found a new ally...my heart. Was I a walking lunatic? Oh yeah. I opened the 'fridge 50 or so times. I looked in our pantry - easily several dozen times, and I walked aimlessly through the kitchen several dozen more. Daughter #1 won several mommy-points by literally standing nose-to-nose with me and reminding me of my mission. Even the bleck bunch did their best to remind me in feeble little voices that I couldn't cheat. But most of all, my cancer daughter stopped me cold in my tracks. She looked a lot like she did on treatment - tired, pale, miserable. For over two years she felt like she did yesterday, but played, loved, and embraced life. Now, she can act like she feels awful...because now she knows what its like to feel good. That's a blessing I don't take lightly.
I'm starving so more kids have a chance to recognize they're sick - because they have come to again know what "good" is. This may all sound odd to a family not touched by cancer. To families in the fight - the first cold post-treatment is terrifying. But a few colds in - you'll realize, the fact that your child knows they feel awful for a day or two is glorious....because it means they know how it feels to be HEALTHY.
Breakfast: 1/2 C organic oat cereal 1C coffee - 2 TBS creamer
Lunch: 1 hamburger, 1 & 1/2 C sauteed mushrooms, 1/4 C sauteed onions, 1 diet Coke, 1 C coffee with creamer
Dinner: huge multi-greens salad, 2 TBS dressing, 6 pepperoni slices (on salad), 1/2 C cheddar cheese, 1 diet Coke
Exercise: - not much. 20 or 30 trips up and down the stairs - but nothing outside or organized. Thinking this is my major downfall!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
September 4, 2007
Day 2 of my starvation quest, and I'm already having to admit to pathetic weakness.
No, I didn't scarf down an entire box of Girlscout Do-si-does or anything. But rats in fratz, having 4 kids and being "good" blows rather large goats! Sure, sure...mega stars with mega incomes can afford cooks, organic chutney, and separate dining rooms from their progeny. Middle-aged Super Moms don't fair nearly as well.
First there's breakfast.
Kid #3, "Mo-om!" Can I have grapes?" "Yes, sure."
Kid #2, "Mo-om! Can I have cereal?" (sugary cereal - purchased by her father)"Yeah, OK."
Kid #3 - again, "Mo-om!!! I want grapes." "I know, I'm coming."
Enter Kid #1 - who proceeds to get cereal for herself - completely ignoring that she even has siblings - much less starving ones.
Kid #4, "Aaaaahhhhh, Wahhhhhh" - translation, "I need food NOW!" (Kid #4 is 10 months old. )
Kid #3 - again..."Mo-om!!!!! I NEED grapes!!!"
Doesn't this sound conducive to a healthy, cooked and measured repast for mom? Yep, welcome to my world.
As for lunch:
Well, lunch was yet another Festival O' Children. My oldest daughter had a 5 hour long class at her computer school. Said school is over an hour away from home, so that meant that after my "restful" morning of feeding the masses, I got to clean the masses, then load them up for a road trip. While Child #1 nearly croaked of terminal boredom (just ask her, she's convinced), I got to entertain a 6 yo, 4 yo, and 10 mo old by walking endlessly through Halloween aisles and a pet store. Now the well-heeled, well-prepared suburban mom would have packed nutritous snacks in matching food luggage and eaten a balanced meal al fresco, surrounded by joyful progeny. Nope. We ate McDonalds, hiding in an air-conditioned car - dodging Heat Advisory September sweat and battling about whose Chicken McNuggets looked like a boot and whose were just blobby.
Then there's dinner: After a 1+ hour trip to the School of Torment, 5 hours spent milling through retail purgatory, a repeat visit to the pet store to re-ogle pudgy puppies, and 1+ trip home... Well, let's just say that when Kid #3 broached cereal as a dinner food, she quickly moved to Most Favored Child status. Oh yeah, this diet-with-a-family thing is going to be soooo easy.... (read thick, dripping sarcasm here)
Now that you have my list of excuses, here's my attempt at dieting for today.
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 C Cheddar cheese, 1/4 C onion, 1/4 C tomato, 1 mushroom, 1 huge C coffee - w/3 TBS creamer
Lunch: 2 McDonalds chicken wraps (OK, so a diet should never say Qty = 2. Bite me! You'll notice there is no Big Mac or fries listed here. Trust me, I was hungry and bitter about it!) 1 Diet Coke
Dinner: 4 oz imitation crabmeat, 1 Diet Coke, 1/2 C organic oat cereal (1/2 C - 140 cal w/o milk! Argghhhh)
Post dinner: Pure misery. Starvation. Bitter, bitter rantings about the size of my keester and how I got myself into this. Rantings promptly followed by Giant Cup of Coffee #2 for the day - to fuel my late night griping....
Exercise: Did you not read the actual post?! I shopped for 4 hours straight with a 20 lb baby in a backpack, lifting a 4yo in and out of the cart, hiking 200 miles through rough retail terrain. Should have been on a treadmill? Should have ridden a stationary bike? Lifted weights?
Bite me.
No, I didn't scarf down an entire box of Girlscout Do-si-does or anything. But rats in fratz, having 4 kids and being "good" blows rather large goats! Sure, sure...mega stars with mega incomes can afford cooks, organic chutney, and separate dining rooms from their progeny. Middle-aged Super Moms don't fair nearly as well.
First there's breakfast.
Kid #3, "Mo-om!" Can I have grapes?" "Yes, sure."
Kid #2, "Mo-om! Can I have cereal?" (sugary cereal - purchased by her father)"Yeah, OK."
Kid #3 - again, "Mo-om!!! I want grapes." "I know, I'm coming."
Enter Kid #1 - who proceeds to get cereal for herself - completely ignoring that she even has siblings - much less starving ones.
Kid #4, "Aaaaahhhhh, Wahhhhhh" - translation, "I need food NOW!" (Kid #4 is 10 months old. )
Kid #3 - again..."Mo-om!!!!! I NEED grapes!!!"
Doesn't this sound conducive to a healthy, cooked and measured repast for mom? Yep, welcome to my world.
As for lunch:
Well, lunch was yet another Festival O' Children. My oldest daughter had a 5 hour long class at her computer school. Said school is over an hour away from home, so that meant that after my "restful" morning of feeding the masses, I got to clean the masses, then load them up for a road trip. While Child #1 nearly croaked of terminal boredom (just ask her, she's convinced), I got to entertain a 6 yo, 4 yo, and 10 mo old by walking endlessly through Halloween aisles and a pet store. Now the well-heeled, well-prepared suburban mom would have packed nutritous snacks in matching food luggage and eaten a balanced meal al fresco, surrounded by joyful progeny. Nope. We ate McDonalds, hiding in an air-conditioned car - dodging Heat Advisory September sweat and battling about whose Chicken McNuggets looked like a boot and whose were just blobby.
Then there's dinner: After a 1+ hour trip to the School of Torment, 5 hours spent milling through retail purgatory, a repeat visit to the pet store to re-ogle pudgy puppies, and 1+ trip home... Well, let's just say that when Kid #3 broached cereal as a dinner food, she quickly moved to Most Favored Child status. Oh yeah, this diet-with-a-family thing is going to be soooo easy.... (read thick, dripping sarcasm here)
Now that you have my list of excuses, here's my attempt at dieting for today.
Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 C Cheddar cheese, 1/4 C onion, 1/4 C tomato, 1 mushroom, 1 huge C coffee - w/3 TBS creamer
Lunch: 2 McDonalds chicken wraps (OK, so a diet should never say Qty = 2. Bite me! You'll notice there is no Big Mac or fries listed here. Trust me, I was hungry and bitter about it!) 1 Diet Coke
Dinner: 4 oz imitation crabmeat, 1 Diet Coke, 1/2 C organic oat cereal (1/2 C - 140 cal w/o milk! Argghhhh)
Post dinner: Pure misery. Starvation. Bitter, bitter rantings about the size of my keester and how I got myself into this. Rantings promptly followed by Giant Cup of Coffee #2 for the day - to fuel my late night griping....
Exercise: Did you not read the actual post?! I shopped for 4 hours straight with a 20 lb baby in a backpack, lifting a 4yo in and out of the cart, hiking 200 miles through rough retail terrain. Should have been on a treadmill? Should have ridden a stationary bike? Lifted weights?
Bite me.
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