September 5, 2007

Day 3 of the Fat-A-Thon. At this point, I can truly say...let the torture begin!! Oh yeah, it hit today - the cravings, the restless I-could-eat-maggots-if-they-were-chocolate-coated, the misery...

It all started lovely enough. I woke up bright and early, ready to get computers together and start online school with the kids. But nooooo, the universe had other ideas. 3, yes THREE of the kids had raging fevers, headaches, body cramps and all-over "mookies". Fan-friggin'-tastic. The good news is, no barfing, no rashes, no ooky fluids coming out anywhere - just fevers and icks. The double good news, they slept off and on all day - giving me some lovely time periods to add info to the crazycancermom site.

The bad news? Are you kidding me?! Anybody thinking it doesn't sound so bad....has obviously not lived with a 4 or 6 yo who doesn't feel good. Lady Whines-A-Lot and Lady Lots-of-Gripes were pure joy in motion. Then there was Sir Yells-So-Much. He was an interesting mixture of pitiful and velcro-him-to-a-wall-able. Truth is, they all looked really pathetic. While they napped most of the afternoon, Daughter #1 stood guard and immersed herself in the Discovery show "How Its Made." Frankly, she saw enough episodes yesterday - she probably earned the equivalent of a few dozen college engineering credits...

Later in the afternoon, I joined the mob for an extended tour of duty. Yes, I still have 100's of things to add to the website. Yes, I'm still trying desperately to avoid the maniacal germ that's flattening my kids. (seriously, I kind of feel like "Dead Woman Walking....I know its out there - just waiting to get me...) But, even self-preservation can be over-ridden by maternal guilt. I gave up my progress and my future health - and joined the bleck bunch.

Who knew my act of selfless surrender would nearly be my dietary undoing? I figured I was just setting myself up for future fevers and aches...not setting myself up to dream about licking bagels. Here's the thing. As you sit quietly on the couch, holding a sleeping baby, you have time to stare at the kitchen... You have time to imagine what butter-laden popcorn would taste like. You have time to mentally squish the bananan and grind the frozen strawberries and peaches into a caloric wonderland of fruit smoothie. You have time dream the forbidden dream....of strawberry cream cheese bagel-land. Ahhhhh...................

Oops, I seem to have gotten a bit off course... The point is, the longer I sat there, the more I began having irrational thoughts of 1001 things I wanted to eat but really didn't need. Funny thing this mind/body of ours. While I've always wistfully looked at the svelte, hard-bodied, fitness gurus - I've never minded tossing those dreams aside for the glorious taste of melting chocolate on my tongue. The mind may tell me I don't need it, but the body screams so LOUDLY that I WANT it, it overshadows the mind in a mere microsecond.

While my body and mind joined forces to declare war on my psyche, I found a new ally...my heart. Was I a walking lunatic? Oh yeah. I opened the 'fridge 50 or so times. I looked in our pantry - easily several dozen times, and I walked aimlessly through the kitchen several dozen more. Daughter #1 won several mommy-points by literally standing nose-to-nose with me and reminding me of my mission. Even the bleck bunch did their best to remind me in feeble little voices that I couldn't cheat. But most of all, my cancer daughter stopped me cold in my tracks. She looked a lot like she did on treatment - tired, pale, miserable. For over two years she felt like she did yesterday, but played, loved, and embraced life. Now, she can act like she feels awful...because now she knows what its like to feel good. That's a blessing I don't take lightly.

I'm starving so more kids have a chance to recognize they're sick - because they have come to again know what "good" is. This may all sound odd to a family not touched by cancer. To families in the fight - the first cold post-treatment is terrifying. But a few colds in - you'll realize, the fact that your child knows they feel awful for a day or two is glorious....because it means they know how it feels to be HEALTHY.

Breakfast: 1/2 C organic oat cereal 1C coffee - 2 TBS creamer

Lunch: 1 hamburger, 1 & 1/2 C sauteed mushrooms, 1/4 C sauteed onions, 1 diet Coke, 1 C coffee with creamer

Dinner: huge multi-greens salad, 2 TBS dressing, 6 pepperoni slices (on salad), 1/2 C cheddar cheese, 1 diet Coke

Exercise: - not much. 20 or 30 trips up and down the stairs - but nothing outside or organized. Thinking this is my major downfall!