September 7, 2007

**You may notice that the dates in my Blubber Blog title sometimes don't match the posting dates. That's because, I'm trying to be 100% honest in my food diary. I don't post until nighttime, and frankly, I'm ancient! Some nights I'm too damn tired (or calorie deficient) to activate enough brain cells to post the blog entry. I suppose you'll either have to get over the discrepancy, or send and angry mob my direction...**

Wow - today has been quite the day for heartfelt reflecting and dietary suffering. There's so much to say - I'm not sure how to tackle it.

The day started with complete insanity like any normal house with 4 kids, too much crap, school to do - and too little time. We spent the morning running like crazy people - tossing random children in and out of showers, searching for matching outfits (yes, I'm one of those geeky people), and trying to squeeze in a moment or two of education. Having failed in most areas of attempt this morning, I gave up any thoughts of accomplishment and loaded the brood into the car for the first round of cancer-family-dom.

We belong to a local pediatric cancer charity http://www.kidsnkamp.org/. Kids N Kamp provides "relief" activities for families battling pediatric cancer. There are moms' night outs, dads' night outs, family camp, quilting weekend, a huge Christmas party...the list is quite long. Anyway, yesterday, the A-gang and I went to downtown Columbus to join KNK for a Childhood Cancer Awareness Rally on the statehouse lawn. Our governor's wife was there, a few doctors from Columbus Children's hospital, and several speakers.

The two hours we spent with the group were a mixture of hilarity and heartache. First, I need to back up a bit. In the midst of the morning mayhem - I had been unable to find a pair of *clean* respectable shorts. So, I pulled out a fancy print cotton skirt and matching shirt. The skirt is one of those respectable mom skirts, great pattern - just to the knee - would make the "What Not To Wear" people quite proud. Here's the issue though. I had, in my I-don't-hardly-have-time-to-fart morning haste, neglected to watch the weather forecast. I'm not a complete loser - I had logged on and checked out temperatures, I just hadn't watched the full broadcast on local TV. Seemingly harmless omission, right?

Wrong! OH, wrong, wrong, wrong..... What I had failed to learn was that Columbus was going to be experiencing gale force winds at the precise time I would be attempting to walk several blocks to and from my car, wearing that cute, lighter-than-air skirt. Suffice it to say, there's a darn good possibility you may see my over-sized keester in one of those "Why You Should Own a Camera Phone" emails. Yep, I might as well have gone to the rally in nothing but my old lady undies. I virtually did anyway.

The rally itself brought on the heartache. Kids N Kamp is proud to boast that its the only local group that continues to include families who have lost children to cancer. As such, they take time each year at this rally to ask grieving families to come forward, while they have a moment of silence, followed by a beautiful song to memorialize the children. Its so real for me, its tangible. This is not a fraternity anyone wants to imagine themselves in - but here I am. My child can die. Of course, anyone's child can die - they don't come with little guarantees. Its just that...cancer children do die - often. Standing up front was a family I met at Christmas last year. Their son died less than two weeks after diagnosis - their shock was so great, I'm not sure how long until the grieving could begin. Today was torturous for them - by sheer chance, the rally fell on the one year anniversary of their son's death. Pure Agony.

Also up front, I was shocked to see a mother I've know for 2 years. Our children played together at clinic, they participated together in an awareness event two years ago. Then, when they called for parents who had lost children...she walked forward. My heart stopped. There "I" was....it could so easily be me. Its a difficult thing to process.

As of the end of the ceremony - I determined I would not post anything comical tonight - just a brief description of the event, and a few poignant thoughts. Done. By day's end, I changed my mind. If our children have taught me anything, its that life must continue to go on. You have to laugh and enjoy yourself - you cannot surrender to the Beast. If you surrender your humor and joy - the Beast wins. I will not let the Beast win. Cancer cannot take joy from my life - I won't give it that much power.

As sad as the ceremony left me, I soon had to snap back to reality. I had to find the handi-capped entrance into the statehouse to get my gang and two strollers into the reception. The Tibetan death hike around the building hunting for a tiny little sign (apparantly, the statehouse decorators think handicapped people are 6 inches tall and have superhuman vision) - led to 100 more opportunities to have my derriere exposed by high winds. By the time we made it inside, the wind had managed to lift my spirits, along with my skirt.

The reception became my first super-hero event for the day. Dum dum DUM! (sing superhero triumphant noises in your head) I managed to weave my way through a reception that was a sugar wonderland - and squeak out a healthy, albeit tiny lunch. Before attempting to shrink myself for the kids, I would have used my sad heart as an excuse to try each and every delectable kind of gourmet cookie. Today? Nope. I stayed the course and drank water, and had a few small pieces of cheese and three tiny chicken nuggets. Woo hoo! I can stay on track! I was mighty pleased with myself, even if I did catch my salivary glands giving me away by nearly making me drool as I walked past the table-of-wonder.

Post reception, I got to subject myself to the mighty winds again and fight my way to the car. The A-gang and I choogled on home and got to rest and regroup for about 90 minutes before we had to head back out.

Tonight was another Pediatric Cancer event. This one was through Hats for Heroes - the charity branch of our local NHL team, The Columbus Blue Jackets (http://bluejackets.nhl.com/). A lovely couple invited some cancer families to join them at the local harness racing track and watch a charity race they had organized. What sweet humans! Not only did we fall head over heels in love with Doug and Lori, but the kids and I had so much fun. Daughter 3, my cancer child, had been feeling horrible most of the afternoon. She'd been laying down, insisting on having a "puke bowl" (her colorful terms) at her side constantly, and been whining like the world was ending. We held some serious negotiations to get her to attend - and even she had the time of her life! Funny, how enjoying yourself can sometimes make the "Mookies" go away.

The girls got to cheer for the horse that belonged to our hosts, pose for pictures with the winner of the charity race, catch up with a wonderful family we met earlier in the year, and hug on one of our favorite hockey players. My cancer daughter is a full-out stalker of one young player. Thankfully, its a mutual admiration - so he doesn't mind her being glued to him at events. Her older sister, daughter #2, in typical little-kid fashion, couldn't possibly share her crush. Therefore, daughter #2 picked a different player to stalk. Lucky for her, he was at the race last night. I clued his wife in on the "crush" - so he made an extra effort to spend time with her. She blushed all the way to a deep shade of magenta - but enjoyed the attention.

I'm also proud to report, that I managed to stay the dietary course tonight! Wahoo! And let me tell you - I'm going to toot my own horn to Mt. Everest for this one. First, I admit to complete starvation thanks to my meager lunchtime munchings. But then, oh then, I came face to face with one of my giant nemeses...pizza. Oooooh - and this pizza looked goooood. But yes, I managed to "just say No" and ordered a Caesar salad instead. And since my kids get some kind of devilish delight in stealing my croutons - I didn't even have very many of those to contend with. Add to it, I was far too busy running my mouth to actually pause and insert food...and I actually only ate about 1/2 of the salad. Victory! Victory - thy name is distraction. I'm thinking I need to line up consistent social occasions to distract me from ever eating again. ...just a thought.

There you go - one very long...very exhausting day. Hence the "retro-posting" thing.

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/2 C cheese (yes I splurged), 1/2 C onions, 1 tomato, 1C coffee w/ 2 TBS creamer

Lunch: 3 tiny chicken nuggets, approx 2 oz cheese (tiny, TINY pieces of 6 different cheeses), water

Dinner: 1/2 Caesar salad, 2 diet Cokes

Exercise: - walked several blocks through gale-force winds trying to hide my keester, walked/stood for hours holding a squirming, disagreeable baby