Friday, September 28, 2007

September 28, 2007

Farts. I had the highest of hopes that I'd be diligently blogging my brains out each evening. I had utterly ill-conceived notions that I'd tuck my angelic children into their perfectly-made beds and sit here, regaling you with my day's dietary conquests.

Pickle farts. The reality is, I normally manage to get the kids into their mis-matched, just-when-did-I-wash-those-things-last? sheeted slumber pits, only to try to catch up on 1001 emails. By the time I've dug myself out of e-communication e-nnihilation...I can barely manage to stitch together 6 intelligible thoughts. Maybe its the calorie deficit, maybe its the new medical stresses...but holy cow, Batman...my brain is starting to melt!

You know, I may be on to something with the brain melt theory. Think about it. As a hefty woman, I enjoyed a life of full fat, sugary goodness. Fat is gel-like, sugar is gooey. What if the fat and sugar have be the glue that held my brain cells together? I mean...my attempt to find my svelte self, may actually be disintegrating the very part of me that cares!

Face it, my thighs have rubbed together so long...they're in no hurry to lose weight. They'll be lonely. And my arse? Oh honey, its so used to dancing its own private jig after the rest of me has quit hearing the music... Why, it may just file a formal protest if I whittle away at its inherent "groove-thing" quality. No no, the brain has to be the only part of me that really wants to be thin. Poor brain, its out-thought itself. In its unrealistic attempt to shave me down to semi-normal size...it may very well be its own undoing... (Hah! I crack myself up. Brain melting, "undoing"...Hah!)

So how on earth am I going to manage to stick my smarts together if I can't sugar-coat them? Hmmm...well, I could run down a skinny minny or two and steal some of their hoo-hah wax. (have you ever gotten that email?) Nah, I might stick something I need. Hmmm...I could borrow some of my under-the-hooter sweat that I'm desperately hoping to someday NOT have... Nah, what happens when I have perky little puppies? My brains would fall apart again. (Stop laughing! I might be able to pick them up off my knees and staple them in place...) Hmmmm...how about I just squeeze the brain juice from the next rat fink who tells me how much trouble they had loosing their whopping 12 pounds... No problems there, they obviously won't miss their brain goo. They couldn't possibly have been using it, if they told a rotund, hungry woman, something so incredibly inane...

Aww fishfarts. I can't go and goo-squeeze all the skinny people. My brain wants to be one. Man, I hope I'm never that self-stuck. I think I may sign my brain up for optional sqeezature just in case I am...

Yep, the best description of the last few days...farts. How's that for high-falootin'?

- Alicia Losing weight, and my mind, for cancer kids. http://www.crazycancermom.com/

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 oz cheese, 1/2 C onions, 2 TBS real bacon bits, 2 C coffee w/creamer

Lunch: Broccoli (1 C maybe?) dipped in egg, flour - then fried in Canola oil - 1 TBS sourcream for decadence. 1/4 piece of Panera so-good-you'd-sell-your-mother-for-it whole grain bread.
1 oz turkey

Dinner: 2 oz cheese, 1 apple, Diet A&W rootbeer, 4 fried cheese sticks from King o' de Burgers
(so shoot me over the cheese sticks. I didn't get a burger or fries!)

Aww frog farts. I'm going to have to go back to logging everything that goes into my rather vacuous pie-hole. When I eat it, it seems small. When I see it written down...well, boop boop be doo - it looks whoppin' porcine.

Fart.

2 comments:

我爱淘 said...

It's nice,have a good day!

MrsFB said...

Well, rat farts. I'm losing my mind and haven't dropped so much as an ounce. Yet.

Maybe I can hope for a reversal back to my svelte and smart ol' self, eh?

Bren, Cody's mom (aka, Mrs. FB. Short for FluffyBottom)