Friday, September 14, 2007

I Declare War

***It's Friday, September 14th. My hardworking hubby, 4 tax deductions and myself are running around like crazed circus clowns throwing miscellaneous items into mismatched bags. We are heading out the door for a weekend stay at a remote cabin that is donated to a local ped cancer charity. We've NEVER gone away like this as a family. Not once. Since Avalon's diagnosis, we've gone two places, Disney for her Make A Wish trip, and two weeks ago - to a group camp with other cancer families. We are actually going away...just us...just to be together. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I'm downright giddy....

Since I won't be able to pester you all for a few days....I'm going to share something I've been saving. I wrote the following essay, the last time I lost a tremendous amount of weight (40 lbs). BTW, the last time, was right before Avalon was diagnosed.... Hmm..wonder why I gained it back?

Anyway, here is my little offering, "Declaration of War". I hope you get a giggle or two.

DECLARATION OF WAR
By Alicia Hall

OK, that's it. I've officially declared war on my thighs.

I passed a store window today and turned to see who the fat lady behind me was, only to find she was me. Something's got to give when you can follow yourself and not know it. It's dad-blasted amazing how in my mirror at home, I'm still 17 and svelte. Snow White's step mom must have really had something after all.

The problem with this declaration, is the length of time required for victory. I know I lost my territory slowly and gradually. But let's face it, we all want to take the hill on the first day of battle. The person who could invent a one-day nonstop anti-fat device, would own the world. We wouldn't have to be greedy. The device could be a one shot deal. You pork up again, it's up to you, babe. But gee, don't we all deserve the chance to be stupid at least once in our life?

The way I see it, I'm really not overweight. I'm just 3 feet too short. Vertically challenged, so to speak. If I were 10’ 6" tall, I’d be darn svelte. Yea, that's it. I’d be a 10’ 6" bikini model...

Fine, you got me. My malfunctioning gland is my brain. Truth is; I love food! I adore food. High fat, low fat, who cares? It's food and therefore worthy of my adoration. Chocolate, of course, is in a category of its own. Chocolate transcends classification as mere food. It assumes more of a godlike stature. Chocolate is to be revered, celebrated. As such, it must be partaken of regularly to ensure spiritual well being. Chocolate consumption is not frivolous, it's satisfying a basic biological need. Ask any woman.

I suppose my second failing would be exercise. I hate sweat. I hate thinking about sweat. I hate producing sweat. I hate cleaning up after sweat. I hate being around other people who are sweating. It's all pretty simple; if the choice came down to death or sweat, I'd choose daisy dirt.

This aversion wreaks havoc with an exercise regime. When the point is to elevate your heart rate, sweat is an indisputable side effect…so much for my activity level. Let's see, no exercise, lots o' chocolate. Hmmm… Wonder why the fat lady walking behind me was so darn close?

Well, now I've gone and done it. I've taken a blood oath to burn my fat lady clothes. Since the whole Joan of Arc thing holds little attraction for me, I guess I've got to shrink. I must break up with food. We're going to have to cool it off to just a friendly relationship. I hope the grocer doesn't take it too hard. His stocks are going to plummet.

Then there's the sweat issue...conquering this one may kill me.

I've got to give in and join the world of the weight-conscious. Not that I wasn't conscious of it before. I always knew I had a weight, I just didn't know how much it was.

Never fear, I won't go too far. I've made my husband promise to lock me up if I ever turn into one of those size six skinny minnies, who gripes about her thighs. I guess my days of threatening to sit on those ladies are soon to be over.

Maybe I still have time to track down a few...for exercise.

www.crazycancermom.com

Have a great weekend!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

YAY! Have a great time, you more than deserve it! "I Declare War" is very cute. Off to break up a fight, have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

Have a great weekend! I love your Declaration of War! I will help you sit on the size 6ers who complain about heavy thighs, too, and will even help you track them down!

By the way, I read your post on Avalon today. You deserved those 2 little pieces of brownie after a day like that! I totally understand stress eating, and I should definitely join you on this mission. So far, it's just will power and commitment that I lack.

I hope you get some good answers for Avalon soon!