September 12, 2007

Oh cripes. Just how much trouble am I in for not posting yesterday? Would pitiful and overly-mascaraed batting eyelashes get me out of dutch? Puh-lease...?

How about some rockin' news? Hold onto your horses, your britches and your brother's balls (his basketballs - get your mind out of the gutter!)...I've lost 10 pounds!!!!!! Wahooooooooo

**We now take a blog identification break to allow for author bummy-shaking and proud-proud dancing.**

We may now resume our regularly scheduled rantings....

Yep, you read that right. teno poundaroonies! hee hee hee So apparantly, it may indeed be worth learning to merely wave at the chocolate bar, rather than offering to marry it. There may atually be something to the theory of "moderation". Well, who'd have thunk it?

But I do come here this evening with a smidge of a heavy heart. (OK, so we know definitively, that no part of me is a "smidge heavy" - c'mon - go with it...) I fear, I must confess something to you. As I dance and hoot, I admit that in doing so, I'm committing a bit of a falsehood....

Oh don't you worry, I really did start this ordeal by weighing myself on Thursday Aug 30. The scales really did horrify me with the chart-topping 258 pounds. Those same scales really did read 248 pounds, three times in row this morning. No kidding, no bluffing.

The problem is, I'm not exactly sure how much they would have read before I planned this Fat-A-Thon. You see, I've been living the last few months like Dead Man Walking. Only, you can morph it into Fat-Lady-NOT-Walking!

I dreamed up this idea of a Fat-A-Thon several months ago. I thought long and hard about the "Why" , the "How", the actual brass tacks of pulling this off. Then, I even went so far as to have a grown-up type meeting with some people who run a local pediatric cancer charity - to pick their un-child-drained brains for ideas and feedback. We all agreed on a plan of attack, and the beast of burden was left to me to start the sight and the weightloss.

Here's where the road gets a little twisty. Now, if you knew it was your last chance to ever see a dear friend, how would you choose to bid them adieu? Would you do the bandaid method - saying a lightening fast good-bye and then ripping your heart out with several hairs and burning skin cells attached? OR Would you take the romantic movie approach - gently caressing your friend's hand as you took long, thoughtful walks together on the beach, tirelessly recanting your years of enjoying each others' company?

Being the committed romantic that I am...I felt that too rapid of a farewell to food would simply not do our relationship justice. I decided to honor my long-time friend with a series of heartfelt get togethers and tasty trists. I began a several-month long effort to make sure that food - particularly that of high calorie and fat count - knew that it had been well-loved and would be missed.

Thus began the Summer of my Content. I can now fully divulge the divinity that was my Summer. I ate as if it was my job....and it was gooood..........................

I ate cookies and cake and brownies and pie. I ate chips and dip and spinach on rye. I ate french fries and pizza and cream of the ice. And damn it all, man - it surely was nice!

Get real. I didn't get to be this size by not liking food. I got here because food tastes good. I like it. A good hunk o- chocolate is nearly a religious event. Somewhere, in the deep dark recesses of my twisted mind, I think I decided I needed to eat everything I ever would want to eat ever again - and pack it into a few weeks. I would be driving past a set of Arches or the home of the King and think, "You know, in a few weeks, I'll never be able to have a *&%^$ again. I really should stop and get one so I can remember what it tastes like." OR I'd see the ice cream store on the corner and think, "Oh, the kids will really enjoy that on a hot day like this. Since I won't ever eat ice cream again, I think I'll get the large (which should really be called the Gargantuan)" Here's the real fruit-loopy part to that one - I don't even like ice cream!

Somewhere in the last few weeks leading up to this diet-death-trek of mine, all of my insanity began to work. I would think about pulling into a dwelling of the Mac - and think, "Bleck. That doesn't even sound good." I would drive past our favorite soft-serve center and think, "I'll really get a headache from that." I think I actually managed to out eat myself. You know those stories you used to hear about a parent catching a kid with a cigarette and then making him smoke until he threw up, to make the child hate the taste/smell of cigs? Well, I'm here to report that you can, indeed, over-junkify yourself. I ate until I abhorred, I dined until I despised.

I actually managed to overeat myself into eating sensibly. Just how insane is that?! It is with this knowledge, that I must confess that probably 4 or 5 of the pounds I've parted company with this week, may very well have come from my oh-so-questionable "preparation" for my pledge quest. Yes, yes, I may truly be certifiable.

Funny thing though. As I "fattened" the goose with my long, romantic, goodbye, it never quite occurred to me that I was merely setting myself up for extra band-aid days of losing my gander-padding. Perhaps, I need to re-think my methods of departure.

Rip! Ow...... Rip! OW! RIP!!! Ow!!!!!! Oh yeah, hindsight is definitely 20-20. Rats.

- Alicia www.crazycancermom.com
And now Bruhnhildas Blog of Absurdity see the link above

Breakfast: 2 eggs, onions, tomatoes, no cheese! (if I don't go to the store soon - I may begin licking cardboard) 2 C coffee with creamer

Lunch: Forgot it! Doing school with one child, dressing others, leaving with all 4 for a meeting at the hospital...Oops!

Dinner: 1/3 - 1/2 lb ground chuck with taco seasoning, salad greens, tomatoes, diet coke
(again, no cheese - criminal, I tell you!)