Back to semi-normalcy. I'm actually writing this on the day it describes. That means I must be slowly dragging myself out of my cabin/stress stupor, nearly ready to re-join the rat races. Wonder if running in the rat races burns any calories?
The scale is still showing the burdens of my weekend excess - still at -10 pounds. You'd think I'd be ecstatic. -10 pounds in 18 days really isn't bad. It just feels bad because I know I "lost" ground over the weekend. Funny expression that. How does "gaining" weight turn into "losing" ground? Kind of describes life in the middle of a massive attempted change. Down becomes up, and forward is better described as back. Like learning to go "back to basics", or moving "down the corporate ladder to move up your happiness quotient". Its all a bit twisted. A reminder that just when you thought you had it all figured out - you learn how little you really know.
Today I can report I learned two new things. One, once you have fallen off of (or been knocked off of) the dietary trail - it totally sucks trying to claw your way back onto it. The cravings, wants, and mind-numbing food fetishes rear their ugly heads, bigger than ever! Its like they get together and decide to extract revenge for temporarily leaving them. If you dare to give them the tiniest in-road to your psyche - they attempt to grab your conscience mind with both hands and hold on with hurricane-prowess. I have battled craving demons today that would have brought lesser beasts to their knees. Thankfully, my knees are weak because my keester is so big - I wasn't able to cave in to their demands easily...
And the second thing I learned? Learning to admit you're in over your head - helps. I am unabashedly admitting that I'm currently drowning in to-do lists, deadlines, and things people need from me. By wallowing in a bit of self-pity and whining to my hubby, I've been trying to release a few of those all-I-want-is-Calgon-and-dark-chocolate demons. Every time I feel like I've let someone or some deadline down - I feel the pull of the PayDay (candybar, that is). But several times today, when I honestly said to someone, I'm out. I'm over-done, I'm in-too-deep..it let me close that 'fridge door with nothing (or something healthy) in my hand.
If I am guilty of any indulgence today, it was watermelon. After a fascinating, but horribly inconveniant, meeting today - I let myself eat several pieces of sugary sweet, incredible watermelon. It may possibly be enough to keep me from losing any weight today - but I consider it a victory over what I would have done last month. My normal m.o. would have been a trip to Wendy's for a frosty friend for the ride home. I think watermelon is a fair-enough substitute. I long for the day I need no substitute - but I'm a reasonably honest woman, that day may be millenia away...
For now, I go to bed secure in the knowledge that my worst enemy today was watermelon. Considering I dreamed about eating a giant chocolate bar in my daughter's doctor's office last night - I'd say watermelon ranks as a Victory! Listen, when your rear-end is the size of mine - you take victories where you can find them...
Onward and upward! Or, forward and downward - as the case may be. May I march on, and the scale trend down. Oh puh-leasee, may it trend down again....
- Alicia - the Crazy Cancer Mom
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1 comment:
Alicia good luck on your project. You'll do great, a little watermelon here and there is much better than the other options you considered, I'm sure. Just wanted to pop in and offer my support and good wishes, and to let you know I'll be spreading the word about your Fat-A-Thon in my blog.
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